Monday, January 08, 2007

Hitler and the Bisexual Lesbian Vegan (Farts)

I once worked in a record store with a "lesbian" (the kids are all gay now, it's hip) who was a vegan. Normally, I wouldn't have any problem with someone being a vegetarian, but when they get pedantic and moralizing, that's it, they need to go away somewhere, or I do, maybe somewhere to get a lot of rest after they've driven me mad. Anyway, she was really vocal about her sexuality and veganism, as dumbasses (twentysomethings, mooks, midriffs) are wont to do. She wouldn't shut up, and nobody cared. They make people like this in factories called schools. She really wanted us to oppose her and her views, but no way: nobody cared enough to. True, she had big tits and slept with everyone (male and female, this is the modern age), but do big boobs somehow make one's opinion more important? If you're a young male, absolutely.

Every time I would come back from my lunch, it would be, "What did you eat today?" Of course, my response was, "Dead cow, dead chicken, and dead pig, with some vegetables and starch." and I'd say it with a smile. Her usual reaction was some standard comment about the morality involved, but I'll spare you all the boredom. It was the kind of vegetarian-pap you've all probably heard in college or the workplace. Anyway, I started to get tired of her questions at lunch, and hit her with some interesting facts: Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian during his rise to power, practically the whole time, all the way to the Bunker. That's dedication.
I love meat. But, it does taste better when someone else acts like this--then I want it tartare. Cancer? We've only had lifespans this long since the end of the 18th Century. Our last brush with a pandemic was at the end of WWI (influenza, 1918). Nobody I know is arguing against how bad factory farming is, either, I agree, but I'll still eat meat. Just make them free range, treat 'em good, feed 'em good.

The reason for Hitler's vegetarianism? He had violent flatulence, aka he farted loudly, which wouldn't have been a good punctuation to his speeches, would it? She wouldn't believe me at first, but I went into excruciating-detail, like I do here on my blog. S-oooooo, I told her about Why, Hitler was a vegetarian. Oddly, she bit her lip, turned away, and stopped bothering me about vegetarianism, until she finally left where we worked for greener pastures.
I told another co-worker who had the misfortune to work closely with her about what happened, and he exploded in laughter: "She's got the same problem, dude! She farts real loud and it fucking stinks like hell. It's disgusting, Jesus Christ."
I guess that vegan diet worked better for Hitler. The link between hardcore vegetarians and Hitler? They hate human beings. Yes, someday I'll write a book about all the idiots I've known...

Postscript: Hitler liked to tell disgusting stories about slaughterhouses and how meat disgusted him while people were eating meat in front of him--just like many vegans do today. The next vegan that does that to me is getting the shit punched out of them. Calling Dr. Freud: why would someone want to tell me who they fuck and what they eat? Poor potty training? I think it's because they have no identity, and that we've isolated the specimen.
[12.31.2012 addendum: She's now married to a man, and has a child by him. The last I knew, they were living in Houston, Texas. Welcome to the lower-rung of hell, the United States of America.]