Mel Gibson to join reunited Norwegian Satanic Metal band Burzum

A burning church, Norway--At precisely 7 a.m. GMT, the recently reunited metal band announced to the international press that Mel Gibson would now be fronting the group. So as not to confuse hipsters, they explained that Gibson "wouldn't be disrespecting us--quite the contrary," but "will be out front singing for us, on vocals. Thank you all, and have a nice day, especially Jews."

In the spirit of tolerance and brotherly love, the band produced a sampling of song lyrics (still in their embryonic stage) Gibson wrote and will be singing from his padded cell in Los Angeles, via satellite.

The song is titled, "Flowers, My Dearest Love":

Stay on this phone and don't hang up on me.
I have plenty of energy to drive over there.
You understand me? (repeat four times)
AND I WILL! (repeat four times)
SO JUST F------ LISTEN TO ME.
LISTEN TO MY F------ RANTING.
LISTEN TO WHAT YOU DO TO ME.

You have no f--king soul.
I left my wife because we had no spiritual common ground.
You and I have none, zero.
You won't even f---king try.
You don't care.
You don't care.
You don't care.

I'll put you in a f---ing rose garden you c--t!
You understand that?
Because I'm capable of it.
You understand that?
You understand that?
You understand that?
AND I WILL! (repeat four times)
SO JUST F------ LISTEN TO ME.
LISTEN TO MY F------ RANTING. LISTEN TO WHAT YOU DO TO ME. (all lyrics by Mel Gibson, 2010)

In an unsurprising turn, Mel's volume of fan mail from disturbed women proposing marriage rose, while the market fell. Most of the new material will return to their black metal roots, eschewing (whatever the fuck that is) their more recent attempts at crust punk (whatever the fuck that is).

On this date: CNN's Rick Sanchez is spot-on truthful, unbiased, and accurate!

CNNiverse--Yes, on this day, this wonderous day, CNN talking neck Rick Sanchez stated emphatically: "I'm a pseudo-intellectual." The waters parted. The clouds lifted. The birds sang from the highest trees and the prophets-in-hiding cried out from the mountaintops that truth had been spoken. Then things went back to normal with the usual leading questions and ignoring all the elephants in the room...

Patrick Swayze (1952-2009)

WWW--I will always remember the Patrick Swayze of Francis Ford Coppola's The Outsiders, Donnie Darko, To Wong Fu, and yes, even Red Dawn (but only in a "camp" sense). He was a great dancer and actor. Today, Patrick Swayze died of pancreatic cancer, and my heart goes out to his family, I know where they're at right now.

I'll never forget the first time watching The Outsiders and loving his big brother character because he was just so good, so real. When I went and saw Red Dawn he was just as great, not that it's a great movie, but we all have bills to pay, and so did he. The next time you watch Red Dawn, play songs from the Violent Femmes' first album every time a character dies, I swear to God it fits, it works. I nearly got into a fistfight seeing that one at the theater because I couldn't stop laughing since the scenario in it could never have happened logistically, it's literally a campy science fiction movie by the very closeted John Milius, a guy who likes to play with army toys in his advanced age. He should run for office.

But besides his role in The Outsiders, I have to say that the pinnacle of Swayze's acting career was as a motivational speaker/evangelist/closeted pedophile in 2001's Donnie Darko, a classic that I believe paints a fairly accurate portrayal in many parts of how unpleasant the 1980s really were. Yet, he was one of the good parts, and I'll remember him always for it. There will never be another actor quite like him. There are watersheds in everyone's life, and this is one of them. You made a very drab life and world a little more interesting, sleep well. What a cool dude he was.

Songs from the Site Meter: David Irving and Storm (ABBA Super) Troopers?

Site Meter--Their snuffling about from "old blighty" again. Could it be Mosleyite David Irving, former closet queen of Holocaust deniers? Who gives these assholes the money to do their non-Harlem globetrotting anyway? Sure, they actually sell a few books to squareheads like themselves, but that doesn't explain it all. They have some very wealthy backers, I'd wager. Still, they get to schtupp some fine, goyische punim.

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AP: "Opening of ABBA museum delayed"

Stockholm Syndrome, Sweden--In the nation that gave the world one of the earliest examples of a social safety-net, socialized medicine, and women the right to vote, we have...ABBA.™

Today, we're hearing that the opening of the ABBA museum™ in the capital city is being delayed. ABBA™--a pop group with an extremely irritating name and sound--are loved by...well, millions of simple nimrods worldwide. Gay men who have no taste love them for reasons of trite camp. Dumb women love them because--why do you think?! Why do most chick flicks suck? Nooooooo claaaassssss.

These dames, they're stupid, Jesus Christ you know it, and these goobers and mooks are going to vote for that cheerleading Sarah Palin wacko like they did for Warren G. Harding in 1920 for no other reason than "because." John McCain will become infested with tumors, and she's going to be the first unqualified woman president who takes us all over the cliff. Anyone who would want a former glamor queen or a cheerleader to be president is batshit crazy.

Let's face it: Women have a way of doing incredibly stupid shit that's unique to their gender. Men aren't the only predictable and superficial ones out there, and to think morons are isolated to one gender (or party) is utterly ridiculous and absurd.

You know, in the 1970s, industrial pioneers Throbbing Gristle had a "thing" for these Swedish pop whatchamacallits, and it was done out of an extreme irony. Some of it, I assume, was simply to annoy punk rockers which is always good for an easy larf when you're bored. You have to remember that ABBA™ was created by a Swedish millionaire--they weren't a real "band" or "group," but a fiction-of-sorts. Kind of like George W. Bush or any presidential candidate, they were just puppets with a script singing to a playback.

But Throbbing Gristle had a good point: this kind of pop music is so vacant, so hollow, so insincere, that bands like TG, NON, Coil, SPK, Cabaret Voltaire, etc., could never compete with the subversive nihilism behind such an obvious expression of the spiritual abyss of this era. No more fucking ABBA™ indeed. 370 million (they bought multiple-copies) ABBA™ fans can be wrong, so very wrong every single time. Go read Oscar Wilde, some Pasolini, Gore Vidal and peruse the autobiography of Quentin Crisp. You'll actually get something out that.

"Opening of ABBA museum delayed," AP, 09.11.2008: http://enews.earthlink.net/article/ent?guid=20080911/48c897c0_3ca6_1552620080911-1516566394

Postscript: I've been informed that numerous porn production houses are searching desperately for Sarah Palin look-alikes. The Gods must be qwazy...

Postscript to the postcript: The Food Channel's delightfully cynical Anthony Bourdain had an episode in Sweden where he and a group of Viking-bikers threw battle-axes at an ABBA cd. "Mama mia that, you son-of-a-bitch! yelled Bourdain to the applause of the "Vikers." Goddamn if I don't love that guy. Ramones forever (just no copies, punk is over).

"No more fucking ABBA!"

ABBA--Drag queens, Toni Colette, and Throbbing Gristle are sad. Babs is glad, and I couldn't care any less (OK, I lied). When Terence Stamp made his historic proclamation in the sleeper, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert," a lot of us had to agree: no more fucking ABBA, indeed. Camp doesn't mean it doesn't stink.

Postscript, 07.14.2008: The Guardian's Ben Child has kinda-sorta quoted from my piece, making a similar observation! I'm sure that the Terence Stamp quote came to him as well--it just had to be said. I can recall being blasted daily by the neighborhood rednecks, over-and-over again, with that pestilence called "ABBA," that Swedish supergroup created by a millionaire...a little like KISS, that.

Postscript, 07.15.2008: Toni Colette was more likable plump. Still, Colette wasn't as fat as my ex when she was in "Muriel's Wedding." No more fu...you know the drill.

NO MORE FUCKING ABBA: http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/film/2008/07/you_review_mamma_mia.html

Hitler and the Bisexual Lesbian Vegan (Farts)

I once worked in a record store with a "lesbian" (the kids are all gay now, it's hip) who was a vegan. Normally, I wouldn't have any problem with someone being a vegetarian, but when they get pedantic and moralizing, that's it, they need to go away somewhere, or I do, maybe somewhere to get a lot of rest after they've driven me mad. Anyway, she was really vocal about her sexuality and veganism, as dumbasses (twentysomethings, mooks, midriffs) are wont to do. She wouldn't shut up, and nobody cared. They make people like this in factories called schools. She really wanted us to oppose her and her views, but no way: nobody cared enough to. True, she had big tits and slept with everyone (male and female, this is the modern age), but do big boobs somehow make one's opinion more important? If you're a young male, absolutely.

Every time I would come back from my lunch, it would be, "What did you eat today?" Of course, my response was, "Dead cow, dead chicken, and dead pig, with some vegetables and starch." and I'd say it with a smile. Her usual reaction was some standard comment about the morality involved, but I'll spare you all the boredom. It was the kind of vegetarian-pap you've all probably heard in college or the workplace. Anyway, I started to get tired of her questions at lunch, and hit her with some interesting facts: Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian during his rise to power, practically the whole time, all the way to the Bunker. That's dedication.

I love meat. But, it does taste better when someone else acts like this--then I want it tartare. Cancer? We've only had lifespans this long since the end of the 18th Century. Our last brush with a pandemic was at the end of WWI (influenza, 1918). Nobody I know is arguing against how bad factory farming is, either, I agree, but I'll still eat meat. Just make them free range, treat 'em good, feed 'em good.

The reason for Hitler's vegetarianism? He had violent flatulence, aka he farted loudly, which wouldn't have been a good punctuation to his speeches, would it? She wouldn't believe me at first, but I went into excruciating-detail, like I do here on my blog. S-oooooo, I told her about Why, Hitler was a vegetarian. Oddly, she bit her lip, turned away, and stopped bothering me about vegetarianism, until she finally left where we worked for greener pastures.

I told another co-worker who had the misfortune to work closely with her about what happened, and he exploded in laughter: "She's got the same problem, dude! She farts real loud and it fucking stinks like hell. It's disgusting, Jesus Christ."

I guess that vegan diet worked better for Hitler. The link between hardcore vegetarians and Hitler? They hate human beings. Yes, someday I'll write a book about all the idiots I've known...

Postscript: Hitler liked to tell disgusting stories about slaughterhouses and how meat disgusted him while people were eating meat in front of him--just like many vegans do today. The next vegan that does that to me is getting the shit punched out of them. Calling Dr. Freud: why would someone want to tell me who they fuck and what they eat? Poor potty training? I think it's because they have no identity, and that we've isolated the specimen.

[12.31.2012 addendum: She's now married to a man, and has a child by him. The last I knew, they were living in Houston, Texas. Welcome to the lower-rung of hell, the United States of America.]