DAY-9 IN THE STANDOFF AT JERRY FORD'S GRAVE: STILL DEAD

GRAND RAPIDS, MICHIGAN--The Secret Service severed the head, drove-a-stake into his heart, buried him upside-down, and placed garlands of garlic in the mausoleum--they weren't taking any chances. Today, no movement. He's dead Jim, he's all messed-up. He's coming to get you, Barbara--not really. What a turd, a reincarnation of Warren G. Harding in almost every-(dis)respect. Thank you God for mortality. Guards have been tripping-over-themselves.