Saturday, August 19, 2006

Freddy-vs-Jason-vs-Jabberjaw-vs-Magilla Gorilla-vs-Scooby-Doo

Now where's the OFFICIAL breakfast cereal for this disaster? Why are there movies like this? Time for a zero on the ratings-scale, we have to accomodate this and Uwe Boll and Roland Emmerich. Mourn the corn that had to die to make the film that was wasted on this crapulent-void. Freddy Vs. Jason is depressingly-bad, boring, with an obviously-stupid premise that begs to be mocked like a has-been rapper or a neophyte-punker. Very few films are this bad, except for the movies of Ed Wood jr. . You can actually feel your soul dying when you watch this, it's weird, like watching an infomercial. OK, I made that up, but it's so bad I watched the clock the whole time. I wanted out, but I decided this film really deserves one-more slam on the internet. Hopefully then, Uwe Boll and Paul Thomas Anderson can not-not direct movies anymore. With some luck, they'll all perish in a single plane-crash enroute to Cannes (not to show their movies, just to go to Cannes). You have that existentialist-awakening that you are literally wasting your life watching this kind of corporate-made dreck, like a Rolling Stones concert film. It aspires to be merely-bad, when it is really so bad it makes you wish the backers were all killed in a plane-crash, or a slow-decaying death-by-syphilis (there's hope here!). A movie that is more boring than the videogame, and would make good-punishment for most felonies (repeated-viewings).

Worse than crap, your knowledge of its existence will itch at you. It's only memorable for how retarded the title is. This is the kind of dumb shit you think-up when you're 8. Fortunately, it won't be remembered in 20-years, except as a bad-joke (if-that). Dumb. Incredibly-dumb, and proof to foreign-audiences that Americans cannot make good films anymore. The audience for this movie is the cannon-fodder of tomorrow, for jarheads. It's OK if you were a retarded 16-year-old to think this will be remembered as anything but a joke, and a bad-idea for a movie. Even as dumb-entertainment, this is hateful and stupid and as-cynical as a concentration camp. It is a mockery of the cinematic-experience, and a spit-in-the-face of all reasonable and intelligent people. Now we know why Aleister Crowley was so shocked by Hollywood: the lack of a soul, and this movie is that abyss of meaningless cultural-death. Thank your god that you didn't direct this garbage, because the director didn't either...the backers did.
But hey, the violently-retarded have to watch SOMETHING. Fuck- you Roland Emmerich.

2 comments:

  1. Roland Emmerich should be locked up for high crimes and misdemeanors .. or at least blinded with metal spikes .. on second thought, he would probably make better movies if he were blind!

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  2. I hear you. Normally, you think of Germany as creating such directors as Werner Herzog, Fritz Lang, Wim Wenders, F.W. Murnau--NOT Uwe Boll and Roland Emmerich. And what happened to all those GREAT Hong Kong directors who emigrated here? Hollywood producers ruined them. Fuck Hollywood, die-die-die.

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