Saturday, August 19, 2006

Freddy-vs-Jason-vs-Jabberjaw-vs-Magilla Gorilla-vs-Scooby-Doo

Now where's the OFFICIAL breakfast cereal for this disaster? Why are there movies like this? Time for a zero on the ratings-scale, we have to accomodate this and Uwe Boll and Roland Emmerich. Mourn the corn that had to die to make the film that was wasted on this crapulent-void. Freddy Vs. Jason is depressingly-bad, boring, with an obviously-stupid premise that begs to be mocked like a has-been rapper or a neophyte-punker. Very few films are this bad, except for the movies of Ed Wood jr. . You can actually feel your soul dying when you watch this, it's weird, like watching an infomercial. OK, I made that up, but it's so bad I watched the clock the whole time. I wanted out, but I decided this film really deserves one-more slam on the internet. Hopefully then, Uwe Boll and Paul Thomas Anderson can not-not direct movies anymore. With some luck, they'll all perish in a single plane-crash enroute to Cannes (not to show their movies, just to go to Cannes). You have that existentialist-awakening that you are literally wasting your life watching this kind of corporate-made dreck, like a Rolling Stones concert film. It aspires to be merely-bad, when it is really so bad it makes you wish the backers were all killed in a plane-crash, or a slow-decaying death-by-syphilis (there's hope here!). A movie that is more boring than the videogame, and would make good-punishment for most felonies (repeated-viewings).

Worse than crap, your knowledge of its existence will itch at you. It's only memorable for how retarded the title is. This is the kind of dumb shit you think-up when you're 8. Fortunately, it won't be remembered in 20-years, except as a bad-joke (if-that). Dumb. Incredibly-dumb, and proof to foreign-audiences that Americans cannot make good films anymore. The audience for this movie is the cannon-fodder of tomorrow, for jarheads. It's OK if you were a retarded 16-year-old to think this will be remembered as anything but a joke, and a bad-idea for a movie. Even as dumb-entertainment, this is hateful and stupid and as-cynical as a concentration camp. It is a mockery of the cinematic-experience, and a spit-in-the-face of all reasonable and intelligent people. Now we know why Aleister Crowley was so shocked by Hollywood: the lack of a soul, and this movie is that abyss of meaningless cultural-death. Thank your god that you didn't direct this garbage, because the director didn't either...the backers did.
But hey, the violently-retarded have to watch SOMETHING. Fuck- you Roland Emmerich.