Friday, September 08, 2006

Uwe Boll Wins Boxing-Match Against First Critic, Movies Still Suck

House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and Bloodrayne are not movies that top the all-time lists of most film critics--unless it's for the worst movies ever made. Uwe Boll won his match against his first critic today, making the same mistake in logic that he applies to his movies: Uwe, they simply suck because they suck, and winning a boxing-match to prove-otherwise just confirms an idiot directed them. It also shows that his fanbase is primarily the idiot-manchild.
Boll looks like a Wermacht drill-instructor, less like a director. So-called directors like Boll are why great films are rare. Movie-backers want someone who takes-orders, and who service their properties in the direction they want, damn the audiences. So Boll boxed at one time, big-deal.

Honestly, even after Brown Bunny and his fight with cancer, I'd put money-down on Roger Ebert. He would have pointed-out all the problems with Boll's movies during the match, which would have been a good distraction. Then, he could've sucker-punched the Kraut in the adam's-apple. Would Fritz Lang, F.W. Murnau, Erich von Stroheim or Ernst Lubitsch have done this? Remember that their films were pop-culture when they were released. Yup, Uwe's not even good at commerical-fleah, he's just another asshole-producer who thinks he's a real director. Even kids think his movies are stupid, ferchrissakes.

No, their movies didn't suck, so he wouldn't have to do something desperate and juvenile like challenging his biggest critics to a boxing-match. Frankly, I would kick his Kraut-ass, what a cinematic-lightweight. Three-rounds, what a poof. Boll's Bloodrayne mercifully flopped, so with some luck, he won't be inflicting his crap on us anymore. It will be interesting to see if one of his handful-of-challengers whips his ass. Ticket and DVD-buyers and renters need to shut him down forever. Check Boll's listing on, it's hilarious and entertaining, the only time the director ever is. Movie lovers should note that Boll has a Doctorate in Literature, which is almost hard-to-believe. Why can't he tell a story? Because he began as a producer, the real issue at-hand. We're in an era where producers think they can direct a film, and no matter how much money they have on-hand, it don't make-it-so. Boll is this problem made-flesh.