George W. Bush Becomes First President to Assassinate-Self

WASHINGTON--While Gerald Ford can be credited with attempting to assassinate-himself over-and-over again (pardoning Nixon, & we all know those falls were on-purpose, duh), Ronald Reagan needed a boost in his sagging-polls ("Hey George, use that crazy Hinkley-kid as a patsy...you know his dad. Use MKULTRA."), George W. Bush has finally accomplished it--he has assassinated-himself. This is difficult, because a real coward like Tex has no-balls to stick a gun in his mouth and pull-the-trigger. He is no R. Bud Dwyer. No, it took a long-time, but by stealing two-elections, illegally invading Iraq by lying to Congress and the American public, disbanding the Iraqi-military, the cronyism, the gay-hustlers, the embezzelment, the drinking, Katrina, yadda-yadda...has anyone begun to realize they wanted to overwhelm us with all of these "revelations" so we-the-public would become demoralized? That's psychological-warfare for yah'. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here. As above, so below.

In a makeshift press-conference today, the President admitted he is in-fact an necro-alchemist, a bisexual, and that he ate goose-liver in Chicago last-week at an ultra-secret fundraiser hosted by the Comte Saint Germaine, and the newly-resurrected alchemists, Robert Fludd and Paracelsus. And a wandering-Jew. Also on-hand were the apparitions of Simon Magus, Aristotle and Dr. John Dee, who offered their condolences for Tony Blair. Kenneth Anger stopped-by, and showed some of his films after selected-readings from Hollywood Babylon I & II. Incantations and ritual sex magick were performed in the Oval Office, and spread to the West Wing of the White House in a wave of resonant-energy that left many unconscious. An unspeakable, unutterable pall fell upon the White House, while Secret Service agents scrambled to destroy a reanimated Aaron Burr. Numerous paranormal phenomena were observed, though none in the Lincoln room.

The visage of Richard M. Nixon began appearing on the walls in several-places, all dripping a blackish-ectoplasm. A humunculus was spotted in the basement. Several homeless people were sacrificed, and the apparition of Asmodeus appeared with a blazing-visage...in occult-lore, it's said that if you put bad magic out there, it comes-back three-times-stronger. The creature has returned to haunt its master, and hell will have its way. Or maybe, he'll just have to resign with his fingers crossed behind-his-back...