Friday, September 22, 2006

Senator George Allen of Virginia: 'I AM NOT A WEREWOLF'

WASHINGTON--Yesterday, Sen. George Allen (Virg.) told an astonished pressroom he was not in-fact a werewolf. While he acknowledged his mother was 'born a werewolf', he said that he never recalled being repelled by wolfsbane or silver-bullets. Allen remarked, "I guess I have more in-common with that 'Macaca' than I thought, haw-haw!" At the summation of his comments, he offered to be shot by any member of the press-contingent with a silver-bullet: "I promise, it won't kill me! Besides, I'M insured! Grrrr-Grrrrrrrrrr! I'm sarruh."

Every member of the press produced their firearms, and fired-away (haw-haw). Allen's body jerked violently with every shot, but no-dice. This rube had a flak-vest on, made from a new-polymer. But the true genius of it all was that he was a vampire. To-be-sure, it didn't make him any different from other politicians, but he was especially-strange. "Next-time, we bring the crosses and garlic, Morty! Meshuggenah!" said Dr. Van Helsing. The specter of Rod Serling was noted in the parking-lot.

Afterwards, an anonymous NASA scientist released an analysis of Allen from a videotape of the conference, and noted that the Senator looked hairier after just 5-minutes into his comments. A black-halo appeared in every-photograph of him, but not on digital-video. Foam was also noted in the corners of his mouth. The witch's teat was also noted in another shot, where the senator exposed his belly LBJ-style. But it was an unrelated-photograph that revealed a vast web-of-ectoplasm suspended over the Washington-skies from a shot that displayed a window-view of the Capitol building. A swirling-vortex eating all sparks of the divine within living-organisms was seen hoving above the center of the Pentagon. All must bow before the Flying Spaghetti Monster! All to avoid saying he was Jewish...