Bearded Intruders Horoscope 7/22-7/28

I know many folks don't believe in things like Tarot cards, and spirit channeling, and magic 8-balls. But everyone has to agree that horoscopes are infallible. We of Bearded Intruders (http://www.myspace.com/beardedintruders) are PROUD and ECSTATIC to bring you our predictions. Honestly, they are more like "pre-facts" than "pre"-dictions, which I'm sure will be obvious to everyone who takes the time to peruse them. Any resemblance to any other published horoscopes is purely from independently analysing the astral trajectories in a like-wise correct fashion. After all, the stars say what they say, and separate individuals, in all likelihood, should come to similar conclusions about impending events.

Without further ado, for the week of July 22:

Aries (March 21-April 19). Persistence wins over money, smarts, talent and beauty. You happen to be one of the most stubborn sob's around. While some probably think of you as a complete asshole, your reluctance to ever let anything go will keep you from starving... or getting invited to parties.

Taurus (April 20-May 20). You're drawn toward those who've mastered the art of animal cruelty. You refrain from participating, but you love to watch. You're a sick bastard. But no fantasy in your world now is really unreachable. And that's what keeps you reaching. [Ed.-Yeah, thanks-a-lot Uncredible Duke, I coulda used this back in May! Creepin' Christ...]

Gemini (May 21-June 21). With the right artillery, you can make almost anything happen. The key is having the "cojones" to continue even when every ounce of your being is telling you to give up before you do any more damage. Your administration helps you keep the faith, especially if they are Scorpio or Leo people.

Cancer (June 22-July 22). That wasn't tapioca. Seriously. And if you don't do something about that "milk-can" situation very soon, it's all going to blow up in your face. Your lucky numbers are 1 and 2.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). The competition is on. Sure, your sister spent two years with the carnival, but you've "been around the horn a few times" yourself. You never back down from a challenge, even if it involves whipped cream and a paddle. Tonight, you have an exciting story to tell, and the audience is riveted.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). How many times do you have to run out of gas before you get your gas gage fixed? And why do you think it's "okay" to drive your family around in a car that doesn't have a speedometer, and two of the doors can't be opened from inside OR out? Losing everything never stopped you before, and it's not about to make a lick of difference in how you proceed now.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You give your all, based on what you know. Since you don't know shit, this ends up with you tripping over your own dick time after time. "It's not MY fault!" you always protest. But, in the final analysis, you are a sorry turd. [Ed.-I'm sorry, but it's just too easy to make this a joke about the president...]

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). You're asked to handle making all of the COOL decisions, simply because you do this well. You are the peak of human perfection, and everyone around you secretly aspires to rub up against you, unless they are currently in the act. Don't ever change.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You're going to need to think quickly next weekend. There are dark forces conspiring against you, and you may have already made choices which will cause you great turmoil. Also, avoid chicken salad for the next few days. [Ed.-I'm at-a-loss for words right now...]

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). That old saying "they're laughing WITH you," does NOT apply to you. The only reason your friends haven't ditched you is because they compete on which of them can mock you with the most finesse. It's really quite pathetic. Look for opportunities in sales.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You've been fairly careful about your "secret rendezvous," or so you think. The evidence against you is mounting. When your significant other pulls out the photos, use your graceful sidestepping routine and change the subject. [Ed.-A lot of people in Washington D.C. are going to be experiencing this very soon. Celebrate, brothers & sisters, for the Age of Aquarius is truly nigh!!]

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Relinquishing the control of one's bowels in public can be a scary proposition. But you knew all of that spicy food was going to catch up with you someday. You can make deals with god all you want. Eventually, you're going to erupt like Mount St. Helens. Sometimes it's at a restaurant. Sometimes it's at work. SOMETIMES it is extremely inconvenient ... and sometimes it feels wonderful. [Ed.-Somehow, I can see Fred Thompson having this problem...]

For those born on this date: Happy Birthday