Bearded Intruders Horoscope for the week of August 26th, 2007
Current mood: awesome
Category: awesome Dreams and the Supernatural
Hello, folks. We're here for another installment of Bearded Intruders Weekly Horoscope. We got a letter from little Timmy Johnson in Stockdale, Oklahoma. He asked, "Why do you call your horoscope "weekly" when it doesn't come out every week? Didn't you FORESEE this when you named your horoscope?"Well, Timmy, we call it a "weekly" horoscope because our revelations are only for a one week period. NOT because we intend to do one every single week.
We feel like, and we've stated this before, that you people become too dependent on our revelations when we divulge too much too often. And we're NOT psychics (fuck those assholes), we're ASTROLOGICAL TECHNICIANS. We're not "seeing" anything except what the stars mapped out before us a million years ago. It's all there in the skies. And if you ever take that kind of tone with us again, Timmy, written OR otherwise, we'll kick your snot-nosed little ass. And I don't care if you're seven. Now on to your futures.For the week of August 26, 2007:
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Put things in perspective. Keep in mind that, while YOU might think you're hot stuff, not everyone has that good of an opinion about you. In fact, a lot of people say some nasty things about you behind your back. We're not naming any names, but some things are being said. You may want to rethink the tube top. [Ed.-I know who killed me.]
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Not just anyone can be the "biggest whore in town." That's something you have to work hard to achieve. But your determination is impressive. In the week ahead you will have a chance to make a concentrated effort to attain worthy ambitions. [Ed.-Enough about the GOP already--haven't they had enough abuse?! Nope, we've just begun.]
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Trust is a deciding factor. Sure, you lied about that job. And you lied about your inheritance... and your "friends" in city hall. You lied about getting the payment in on time, and about leaving the mayonnaise on the counter. That doesn't mean people don't trust you. If one or two people can't forgive and forget, that's their problem. It's not like you lied about every single thing. Not EVERY day.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Turn away from hassles. Go hunting in the parks or dark alleyways for that "just perfect" trophy of conquest. You may be thrown in contact with ambitious, hardworking individuals, so stay on your toes. Avoid Scorpios. [Ed.-Chief Justice Scalia might want to cancel anymore hunting-trips with Vice President Cheney.]
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Tell it like it is. That "casserole" was atrocious. Being nice to save someone's feelings is only going to make matters worse. It was unbearably disgusting, and the only decent thing to do is to let everybody know so it doesn't happen again. Little white lies will only ensure that you get another helping in the future. Think of the children.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Those pictures that you posted online have finally "come home to roost." So you've lost your internet privileges. You were just attracting a bunch of skeezy losers anyway. Get in touch with Slick down at the club. He'll set you up with some real contacts. Be ready for anything. For extra good luck, give a Scorpio a fifty dollar bill, and tell him he's got a nice butt.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In some cases, kindness trumps intelligence. Since you're both mean and stupid, you don't have to worry about this. Try to not be an asshole for five minutes this week. If you try this once a week, for a year, you MIGHT be able to bump it up to six minutes. With determination, you might even make a friend someday. We all have to live with you, so let someone know if they can help. [Ed.-It ain't easy being the president.]
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Perfectionism can affect your reputation in a favorable way. Since you're about as close to perfect as one can get, you should have smooth sailing, as per usual. Look out for Cancer people (they're acting weird this month), and make friends with a Virgo (it might pay off).
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22- Dec. 21): You'll be slapped in the face with bird shit some time very soon. Do not try to avoid your fate, it will only make things worse. For example, if you try to stay inside, a bird might get inside your home and shit all over your sofa, as well as your face. Just take it. There's nothing you can do. Also, be prepared for a new nickname.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Call someone's bluff. Just because they have a bunch of tattoos, and work as a dishwasher, that's not evidence that they really went to prison. He's probably just some weak, lying coward. Let him know you're on to him, and you're just the one to show him who's boss. Even if he really has been to prison, he'll respect that. [Ed.-Alberto Gonzales's new job will be a rough transition, yes.]
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Accept an invitation, and you will be treated like family. Unfortunately for you, it's not the kind of family you would ever WANT to be a part of. Everything seems nice and innocent at first, but after dinner, the skeletons come out of the closet. Take a compass. [Ed.-CHARLIEEEEEE!!!!!!!]
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You're being watched. You can feel it. The hot feeling on the back of your neck. Someone is following you, keeping track of everything you do. Preparing for some kind of awful conclusion. Don't say I didn't warn you. [Ed.-Well yeah, look at the site meter, ferchrissakes. And now, my new song is called 'CIA Heart-Attack (Killed by Death)]
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS THIS WEEK: Treat yourself to some awesome music. Just go to www.myspace.com/beardedintruders. Their songs can be downloaded for free, and it's all totally over the top. Check it out. You'll fall in love and have a new reason to live after you hear some Bearded Intruders. You're Welcome! and Happy Birthday!