Goddamn the Turtleneck

What is it with the turtleneck? Why does it immediately cast a person as an Satanist or a warlock, or worse, an intellectual? Let's face facts here: the turtleneck makes a person look sexier. It worked for Jim Jones, Eldridge Cleaver, Carl Sagan, Boyd Rice, Dario Argento, Harvey Keitel, Martin Scorsese, Jimmy Carter, Anton Lavey, Kenneth Anger, Mr. Rogers, Harry Shearer, Henry Kissinger, Lenny Bruce, LBJ, Paul Lynde, nearly everyone. I'm not sure why, either, the name just sounds like a dorky aesthetic you would relate to Dungeons & Dragons and joss-sticks. Or who hasn't had the image of people in berets and turtlenecks drinking wine? OK, maybe not everyone! You got me on Beatnik-like chicks, they're hot, but they'd look good in a flour bag.

When Adam & Eve were forced out of the Garden of Eden...they were wearing turtlenecks. Hitler: turtleneck wearer. I start thinking about 'Howl' and Allen Ginsberg, but then I remember that not only did he wear turtlenecks, he was also a pedophile. Our President Dick Cheney wears turtlenecks. I dunno, turtlenecks are driving me crazy. They just keep reminding me of Paul Lynde and his creepy-laugh...and why is the turtleneck just implicitly gay, or perhaps homorerotic? Yes, even women look gay and outright campy when they wear them, even lesbians. It's a conspiracy I know it, and it's coming to destroy Main Street USA, yesterday. Soon, men will sip tea with their pinkies extended, and all the women will have crewcuts. Oh yeah, it's coming, our Beatnikopolis, it's coming to get you. These children that come at you with turtlenecks--they're YOU'RE children! WOOP-WOOP-WOOP!