Arianna, my first play!

Ed.-I never liked this stupid asshole, never trusted her. Giving someone like her a second chance was always gonna be a mistake...

http://chickasawpicklesmell.blogspot.com/2009/01/arianna-satirical-play-by-matt-janovic_31.html

A very special fundraiser: Send me--Matt Janovic--to Los Angeles to tell Arianna Huffington she's full of shit!

Any assistance in prearranging the meeting-of-minds (I only promise to utter, "You're full of shit!" the rest should be history) would be greatly appreciated! This is a non-profit deal here, and if there's a story in it, you'll be reading it right here, at this location...well, not this exact location, meaning this post, but this site! Will we discuss Marxist philosophy afterward, or will I get kneed-in-the-groin? I think she's done enough of that to the American public.

But who knows? In the spirit of Gandhi, she might just have someone else kick my ass all over a parking lot. No kisses, though, no tongue, she wears brown-lipstick to hide that ass-kissing of people richer than she is. Mmm-hmm, hanging-out with billionaires, that's really going to accomplish a lot. You know, they're just the core-problem in America, these horrible people she tends to associate with...

Look, either she's a fool or a liar.

She believed that Gingrich and the GOP "would help the poor" in America with the "contract for America," which coming from a Cambridge graduate is bizarre. Had she never read about or experienced the last 80 years of our history? That's crap, and it's back-peddling. She knew they wouldn't do anything to "help" the subproletarian classes anymore than they were going to help the eroding middle-class. Why would she believe them, ever? This is the same kind of flawed-logic that kept the original progressive era from being truly progressive, giving us the Great Depression down the road, this cow-towing. At the very least, this stupid woman owes it to all of us to help clean-up the mess she and others helped create during the 1990s and get her hands dirty. She is not a member of the working-class or the general public. She runs with the rich, the privileged, the connected. Why would she "believe" them, the GOP back in the 1990s thinking they wanted to service the common good (and this is giving her far too much credit)?

The answer is a pretty simple one: she identified with them and thought she was "part of the club." Either she was fooled, partly-fooled and really just cynical, completely cynical and with them 100% (my take), or she's just incredibly confused and probably a dumbass with an Ivy League degree. My feeling is that she's just another social climber, those people who are actually worse than the rich themselves, and trust me, I've seen it in action with relatives in Chicago on a smaller scale, it's nauseating. The worst people in the world are the ones who want to be like the powerful people, the rich people. Scum.

Very little of Arianna Huffington's life speaks well of her, and now, we're supposed to believe that she was "fooled" by the Obama campaign as well. Her biography is a good work of fiction. Considering how cozy she was letting the Brothers Emanuel write on her website, and how much she helped the Obama campaign, it doesn't really matter whether her motives have been pure, misguided, or patently evil and cynical. The results--what results?--speak for themselves. This stupid woman has royally screwed-up and screwed the rest of us and should be booted-out of the progressive constellation yesterday. While millions are starving across the globe, being disenfranchised, losing their homes here in America, being slaughtered in a multi-front war, and while our rights are being rolled-back, this dumbass is sipping champagne and eating canapes with billionaires who don't want to be bothered with paying their fair share in taxes.

She's arch-conservative, she's a fraud, and she's got to change or go, and she's hardly alone. Send me to Los Angeles for one day (won't go until I'm certain I'll find her), and I'll give her exposure to a clue.

"Arianna," my one act play on Lady MacDumbo: http://chickasawpicklesmell.blogspot.com/2009/01/arianna-satirical-play-by-matt-janovic_31.html

Why do we need Huffington Post at all: top stories today at Huffington Post...

WWW--Besides the fact that Arianna Huffington's incapable of making love to the Hollywood sign or George Clooney (she deserves both jabs, puns doubly-intended, double entendre), or exhibiting as much partisan loyalty towards the Democratic Party as she did the cuddly Republican Party, there is no real reason for Huffington Post to exist at all, it's hardly ever been substantially "progressive."

But it's gotten her lots of attention and new friends, and it's brought her a lot more power and influence. Sad, considering her parents were Greek Communist partisans in the aftermath of WWII...

If you look to-the-right (as Arianna's true self does) of each page, you'll a sidebar that says "Popular Stories on Huffpo," which is almost always a depressing statement on the state of things in American culture and politics.

Today--at this 2:27 PM EST writing--the top stories are:

1. Miss Universe Swimsuit Competition 2009: Who's Hottest? (PHOTOS, POLL)

2. Short Skirts And High Heels: Brit, Miley, Leighton & More: Who Wore It Best? (PHOTOS, POLL)

3. Ashley Greene NUDE PHOTOS: Naked Pics Of Twilight Star 'Unlawfully Displayed

4. James Rucker GEICO Pulls Its Ads from Glenn Beck Show

5. Rufus Lusk Nowhere in Manhattan: Vote On These Unbelievable Photos

6. Howard Dean The Media's Treatment of Palin's Outrageous "Death Panel" Claims

7. Gabrielle Giffords Town Hall: Gun Left Behind

8. Jon Stewart Vs. Town Hall Crazies (VIDEO)

9. Levi Johnston And Kathy Griffin Hold Hands At Teen Choice Awards (PHOTOS. VIDEO)

10. Dr. Andrew Weil The Wrong Diagnosis

11. Olbermann Slams Palin For "Death Panel" Claim, Calls Her Dangerously Irresponsible (VIDEO)

12. GM: New Chevy Volt To Get 230 Miles Per Gallon

13. Target Of Obama-Era Rendition Alleges Torture

14. Women Walk In Fall 2009's Most Punishing Heels (VIDEO)

15. Obamas Visit National Parks: Send Us Photos Of Your Favorite National Park

A good friend pointed-out that (I'm paraphrasing them), "You can look at it two ways: either Huffington Post has assigned the list, or the readers have. Either way, it's pretty sad."

My one act play on social mountaineer, Arianna Huffington (truly, a bourgeois hoot!): http://chickasawpicklesmell.blogspot.com/2009/01/arianna-satirical-play-by-matt-janovic_31.html

Arianna (A satirical play of high camp in one act) by Matt Janovic

“Arianna”

(A satirical play of high camp in one act)

by Matt Janovic

Cast of Characters

Arianna Huffington: Grecian belle of the ball, radical socialite, alleged raconteur, poseur, and social climber. A Cambridge graduate (boo! bad show!), and best-selling authoress. She has a face that would launch a thousand franchise-outlets and a voice similar to Barbara Walters (the bridesmaid at her first wedding) in the 1970s.

The Decaying Ghost of Ronald Reagan (reanimated scientifically by the Republican Party for your convenience): the greatest dead president that never lived in American history.

Newt Gingrich: a pathetic excuse for a man--a politician and Republican.

Michael Huffington: a bisexual Houston oil heir, former congressman, and former husband of the leading lady. Constance was to Oscar Wilde what Michael was to Arianna.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Two Rednecks

Rahm Emanuel: Former Illinois Representative and the man closest to the President, and linguistic cousin to Richard M. Nixon, Rod Blagojevich, and potty-mouthed politicians and writers everywhere.

Author Tom Wolfe: An astute chronicler of ongoing social/political/cultural satires/catastrophes who wears Tennessee Williams-esque ice cream suits.

Actor George Clooney: a strapping Irish-American lad and icon of mainstream Democrats.

(Standing in as the Chorus) The American public, playing (with) themselves offstage, as they tend to do.

Al Franken: comedian and DNC court jester.

Chris Matthews: MSNBC political commentator and enemy of Arianna Huffington.

A Former Huffington Post staffer: [Name Redacted]

The scene: (The Huffington villa, at an undisclosed location in California. The set is what can only be described as one of the finest, most expensive examples of stagecraft the theater has ever known, you should really should have seen it, it was some choice digs, even with the break-away walls and ceilings. Indeed, Leni Riefenstahl is spinning in her grave as I write this, the spectacle being so wonderful and New Agey that I can feel it within my Shakras as I write this.

An explosion occurs, and a mandala is formed from a swirling column of smoke and the use of mirrors above the set. Newt Gingrich and Al Franken are sitting next to her; both are seated on gold-anodized lawn chairs. They’re all very clearly drunk…on alcohol and the power that comes with notoriety.)

Arianna: “Not only is it harder to be a man, it is also harder to become one,” and I should know since I’ve tried to be one all of my life. [Disembodied applause and catcalls commence from the Chorus, the voices being female with one very low male voice, laughing.] They say—whoever-the hell they are—that a “penis is a good thing to bring to a picnic”—I concur on that. Ever had to squat in the brush? Why are you here anyway, Newt? I thought we had 86’d our ties long ago. What gives?

Newt Gingrich: "I'm going to tell you something, and whether or not it's plausible given the world you come out of is your problem. I am not 'running' for president. I am seeking to create a movement to win the future by offering a series of solutions so compelling that if the American people say I have to be president, it will happen,” or so help me God I’ll wring your Greek neck! [He motions towards Huffington while still sitting in his chair, his hands moving towards her throat. She shoos him away with a flyswatter, smacking him in the face repeatedly, which makes the same sound as when Curly of the Three Stooges is slapped by Moe. Newt looks dumbfounded then settles back into a martini.]

Arianna: That kind of talk again. I know, I know. “I truly believed that the private sector could step up to the plate and provide the financial resources and the volunteer time to tackle poverty and all those social problems. I really did. But then I found out firsthand, through observing the Republican leadership at work, how unserious they were about addressing those issues.” [She’s shaking her head back-and-forth much as a Sicilian mother would.] How did I ever believe you cared about the poor? Oi-yoi-yoi…

Franken: [Shaking his head.] Until you fell off of that mule on the road to Damascus, hitting your head on a rock…me! I may have taken LSD at SNL, but I could never have been so high as to think that the Republicans would ever care about the poor. Frankly, it’s just the reverse: I’m high enough right now to believe that the Democrats care about the poor. I gotta split, there’s an election to contest and win. [Laughing uproariously as he exits, continuing offstage, interrupting subsequent dialog occasionally.]

Chorus: You go girl! How could she believe the Republicans would help the poor, like ever?! [Looking at directly at her, slightly out-of-unison.] What…were you stupid or something?! [Voices rising-in-unison again.] We’re talking about the Republicans here, shithead. Pf-ffft! [Resignedly] Rich people. [Grumbling] She’s worse: a social climber. Arianna was suffering from Stockholm’s syndrome.

[The Chorus walks offstage grumbling, to the left.]

Newt Gingrich: Yup, Stockholm syndrome, and I should know. [Breaking the fourth wall, he winks directly at the audience.] “You can't trust anybody with power.” [He winks the same way again.] I don’t even trust myself—you know, that whole thing with “the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing,” especially when the left hand doesn’t want to be briefed on it without acceptable counsel. Yawp.

Yet, “[a]ll free people stand on Reagan's shoulders. His principled policies proved that free markets create wealth, that the rule of law sustains freedom, and that all people everywhere deserve the right to dream, to pursue their dreams, and to govern themselves.” [Snickers loudly, and then shrugs. Arianna looks bored.] “How to Overthrow the Government”? Been there, done that.

“I'm not a natural leader. I'm too intellectual; I'm too abstract. I think too much,” and I have a very large head. [Arianna yawns, while Gingrich begins to look nervous. His delivery accelerates accordingly, sounding similar to a hog auctioneer.]

“Frankly I believe that there's too little funding for intelligence, we have too few assets and too few analysts. And I think if the Congress and others are going to demand a greater capacity in intelligence we're going to have to be prepared to pay for a more sophisticated and a more intense structure of intelligence capabilities, and I think its wrong for some members of Congress to vote to cut intelligence spending, to vote to cut the number of intelligence analysts and then to set unrealistically high demands on the intelligence community.” [Whispers]

Do I have snot on my corduroy suit? It’s impossible to get it out. The more you rub-it-in—don’t get any ideas, woman—the worse it gets, Jesus. Out, damn spot, out!

[The Chorus returns, some smoking discourteously, others holding a hard drink.]

Chorus: Hmmmm. Is he retarded? Yes…emotionally.

Arianna: I’ve taken down bigger, fatter men than you Newt Gingrich, even with your bizarrely enormous head and girth and all your cronies and mistresses--I can do it. My namesake husband was more of a man than you—and he’s gay--making me a very curious form of social climber, but not atypical. [She looks self-consciously around with her eyes.]

But never mind all of that: You have bigger problems. “When your house is burning down, you don't worry about the remodeling…” lard ass, you hit the fat farms.

Your flabby ass is the new symbol of the end of conservatism. You look and sound like an old Soviet commissar...like that Tim Russert asshole. And how dare you—I loved Michael!

Chorus/A’murka: Who-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oah! Score! [They sing] That’s gotta hurt! Oh! Newt feels wounded.

Newt: Speak for yourself Cambridge bitch, Oxford’s the better school, even if it’s teeming with English ponces. [Pauses, confused.] What other kind of ponce would they be? German? Goddmaned--just shut-up, shut-up with that. F. Scott Fitzgerald’s character Gatsby was an “Oggsford man,” not a Cambridge one.

You know how I can tell if it’s love or lust, Lady Macbeth? I cut my finger…if I bleed and it hurts, I’m real, and therefore there is no love, simple as that. So: lust it is!

Forget sentimentality, Arianna. You know that “[w]e must create to destroy,” and that one of my favorite bands in the 1990s was Too Much Joy, not Anita Bryant. Over is over. I know, I know—they turned out to be a bunch of pinko musicians. “It's going to be a bummer if Mars turns out to be like us,” and that ain’t hay, sister. So forget all your “yadda-yaddas,” and get on with it.

You know--toots--I still don’t understand to this day why you created that anti-poverty foundation for my think tank, it was completely bat-shit crazy [He stirs his martini with his finger.]. It wasn’t sad seeing you go, but we still need your likes. When you’re a true believer, you’re a true believer, and the GOP thrives on that bullshit. You know, people who think the world’s flat.

As a Republican, you were a paradox, and as a liberal or a “lefty,” you’re the same. Being around the rich is your world, your milieu, even more than mine, yet you actually care about the poor. I’m also a social climber, but you’re the Edmund Hillary of rising above the herd, Lady Macbeth. Forget Mt. Everest, baby, you’re shooting for the top-slot, to be the “womyn” behind the curtain, the real power, the “head cheese,” the brass, the barista of braggadocio, the Grand Wazoo, the Wizard of Oz…shit!

[The sound of a singing chorus of angels begins. A giant and expansive half-shell appears above and behind Huffington and Gingrich. Inside it appears the smiling Hollywood star George Clooney. He walks down onto some invisible-stairs that lead down from the pod. Huffington begins swooning, panting, and yes, salivating uncontrollably, quite a feat for a post-menopausal woman, but she drank a lot of fluids beforehand.]

Arianna: Ohmigod!!!!!!!!!

George Clooney: Hi guys. [He winks. Sustained applause ensues.] “I am a liberal. And I make no apologies for it. Hell, I'm proud of it. Too many people run away from the label. They whisper it like you'd whisper "I'm a Nazi,” like it's a dirty word. But turn away from saying "I'm a liberal" and it's like you're turning away from saying that blacks should be allowed to sit in the front of the bus, that women should be able to vote and get paid the same as a man, that McCarthy was wrong, that Vietnam was a mistake. And that Saddam Hussein had no ties to al-Qaeda and had nothing to do with 9/11.

This is an incredibly polarized time (wonder how that happened?). But I find that, more and more, people are trying to find things we can agree on. And, for me, one of the things we absolutely need to agree on is the idea that we're all allowed to question authority. We have to agree that it's not unpatriotic to hold our leaders accountable and to speak out.

That's one of the things that drew me to making a film about Murrow. When you hear Murrow say, "We mustn't confuse dissent with disloyalty" and "We can't defend freedom at home by deserting it at home," it's like he's commenting on today's headlines.

The fear of being criticized can be paralyzing. Just look at the way so many Democrats caved in the run up to the war. In 2003, a lot of us were saying, where is the link between Saddam and bin Laden? What does Iraq have to do with 9/11? We knew it was bullshit, which is why it drives me crazy to hear all these Democrats saying, "We were misled."

It makes me want to shout, "Fuck you, you weren't misled. You were afraid of being called unpatriotic."

Bottom line: it's not merely our right to question our government. It's our duty, whatever the consequences. We can't demand freedom of speech then turn around and say, ‘But please don't say bad things about us.’ You gotta be a grown-up and take your hits.

I am a liberal. Fire away. ” [Clooney walks back up the staircase, returns to the “Venus on a shell”-like pod, and vanishes dramatically, but under the production’s budget. Arianna runs to the stairs that abruptly vanish. She’s despondent.]

Newt: What the fuck was he talking about? Hey!! You didn’t really say that!

Chorus: No shit, Sherlock…well he did, but… [They moan in-unison.] Newt was right…and wrong. He did say it, except not just now. Is that clear? Forget it.

Newt: Where’d he go?

Arianna: N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! God, that man is catnip! [She starts sobbing.]

Newt: "You talk about crying! The spring of 1988, I spent a fair length of time trying to come to grips with who I was and the habits I had, and what they did to people that I truly loved. I really spent a period of time where, I suspect, [?!] I cried three or our times a week. I read Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them [,] and I found frightening pieces that related to...my own life."

Hey, what was the deal with you and Michael Huffington anyway? I mean, “[i]t is madness to pretend that families are anything other than heterosexual couples. I think it goes to the core of how civilization functions,” yet here you are, the biggest fag hag in the Western world preaching tolerance when you used to be one of us. What happened?! We’re both social Darwinists at heart--c’mon toots, gimme some skin, give us a kiss.

[Acerbic author Tom Wolfe enters the room, eyeing Gingrich and Huffington with disdain. At the same moment a bag of bones falls from the ceiling and crashes to the floor. The sound of a charming old man’s voice groaning is heard, then sputters-out. It’s the legacy of Ronald Reagan.]

Tom Wolfe: Arianna, have you read my book, Radical Chic? I-

Arianna: [Cutting him off like Charles Foster Kane.] I have. [They glare at one another.] Wearing that stupid ice-cream colored suit isn’t ever going to make you Tennessee Williams, unless perhaps you choked to death on a plastic bottle-cap. Are you retarded?

Wolfe: I seemed to have walked into the Algonquin. [He pauses for a painfully long time.] Nah, too easy… [He exits.]

Newt: [Sound of knocking.] Why, I think I hear a knock at the door. Who could that be?

[The door opens, and a masked figure enters the room. The unknown person is wearing a Young Republicans t-shirt.]

Arianna: Is that the pizza we ordered or the hummus platter? [She looks at him, drolly.] You know—what time is it? What day is it? I need to get something done around here. They say that procrastination is a “failed state.” I should know being a former conservative.

A Former Huffington Post staffer: M-mfhhh, mfghaghrrrrrrrrrr-gghggggnashhhaahhhhhhhhhhhmmrrrrrfff!

Newt: What the hell is he saying? Goddammit, spit it out boy! I hate this shi-hey, he’s got something in his mouth! Look! [He points his index-finger insouciantly at the staffer’s mouth. It contains a black rubber ball. It pops-out and rolls onto the floor. The staffer begins talking.] There it is….and out it goes.

Staffer: [Whining, outraged.] She called me a “retard” once and made me get her coffee and Bears tickets!

Newt: You too, huh? Welcome to the club, pal, she had me running her errands all the time, and I was her boss back then. [Gingrich takes the staffer aside.] Look, "It is perfectly American to be wrong." I reserve this right, as does Arianna…or is it areola? Excuse me, I’m getting horny just thinking about it, but maybe that’s just me. [Huffington glares at him without comment for thirty seconds.] [Depressed.] …

Yep, it’s just me. Does anyone know where I can get a good Chinese hooker? Let’s go hit Chinatown, go out kickin’ the gong around, going ha-cha-cha! [He begins dancing, badly.]

Arianna: Wrong decade, Newt, I know you pine for the 1920s, but the 1930s and the New Deal are coming anyway and there’s nothing you or your imperiled GOP can do about it. You did it to yourselves.

Newt: [Speaking to the staffer.] Listen pal, buck-up and accept the rules of the workplace like everyone else, and all that Horatio Alger crap we’re selling all the time at the GOP, all that “rags-to-riches” bullshit for the dumb-fucks, the “help.” Excuse me again… [He reaches around and scratches his ass.]

Staffer: Who the hell was Horatio Alger?

Newt: [Continuing as though the staffer never said anything.] …Everyone’s had a retarded boss who tells us to do one thing--we do it properly--and then they yell at us later for doing it because they’re fucking senile and they forgot what they originally told us. Happens all the time, mack. Regardless, I support Arianna’s right as an employer to treat you like that. God, I’ve got “ragged dick” these days, ouch, shit, sorry.

My first wife infected me with a conscience, which gives me eczema on… [Whispering in a strange drawl.] You know. I’ll never let that happen again…uh, you know, being “infected with a conscience,” never.

[Arnold Schwarzenegger enters, and don’t get any ideas from this stage direction, pervs.]

Schwarzenegger: Yoo know, I haff’ worked with many fagsz here in my time here in Cal-i-forn-ia—‘dey are not so bad…fagsz. ‘Dey do not know da’value of tearing-off a goot piece-of-assth, but dey are fery hard vorkars and can re-dec-or-ate like no one else, fucking hands-down!! [Sincerely, pleadingly, with an Austrian sense of sentimentality.] Homos are not so battt. Why da’ fuck did I want to be gov-er-nor? [He starts sobbing.]

Newt: What the hell is he talking about? At the GOP, we always say, “Until the grownups come to find us, we’ll have some fun.”

Arianna: Why are you quoting William Golding?

Newt: Who’s that?

Schwarzenegger: [As though the last exchange never occurred.] "If I would do another 'Terminator' movie I would have Terminator travel back in time and tell Arnold not to have a special election." …"It's the most difficult [decision] I've made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax."

Yooh haff made mis-takes as well, Arianna. But I am with you on this: "I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."

"Nixon was always being attacked sexually. It was always said that he was a fag and that he had no sexual relations with his wife for 15 years and that was why he liked power. And Hitler had only one ball, and that was why he wanted to conquer the world." As we know today, ‘dis hass all been found to be ‘da truth, it’s in ‘da new Kinsey Report, I read it avidly.

Arianna: Uh, let’s not talk about all that—my last marriage--shall we? This is all getting too close to home, thank you. “We need to accept that we won't always make the right decisions, that we'll screw up royally sometimes - understanding that failure is not the opposite of success; it's part of success.” I’ve made mistakes, but marrying Michael wasn’t one of them, he was my entre into the world of well-heeled West coast elites…the gay mafia.

These guys don’t “burn the saint,” they burn an image of Divine or Judy Garland! Eek! [Looks up.] Thanks—Plato—for inventing camp. My heart really yearns for Greece, it really does, but I prefer more “cosmopolitan digs.” …“Of course, at heart, I’m still a superstitious Greek peasant girl, so I’m not counting my chickens – or my lambs – yet…,” and not without prepared talking points.

Schwarzenegger: [With Germanic cunning.] You too, huh? Oh, uh…I never married Michael, but…uh…I had better shut-up now.

Chorus: Now?!

Schwarzenegger: And I ‘vuss never a Greek peasant girl--at least not in this life! I must go now, my head hurts. There is a state to run—I ‘tink--but I am unsure which one. [He exits.]

Newt: What a man. I’m feeling literary tonight—and why not? OK, I agree you’re not any more senile than I am, Arianna. “We're all human and we all goof. Do things that may be wrong, but do something.” Hey! We’re really not so different after all!

[Cue Keith Forsey’s very bad 1980s-instrumental music from the John Hughes movie, “The Breakfast Club.” They all get up from the lawn chairs and do an incredibly goofy dance found only in the Carpathian Alps, the Caucasus, and America. NBC political commentator and avowed enemy of Huffington walks onstage unnoticed and places wiretapping devices on Gingrich’s forehead and on Arianna’s purse. They are very large bugging-devices shaped and designed like Obama campaign buttons.]

Chris Matthews: Bitch. [He scurries offstage much like a sand crab, but not before copping-a-feel from Gingrich.] Hee-hee-hee! [Audibly grumbling within audience earshot.] At least there’s a Chris Matthews doll! [Looking squarely at Huffington, he physically punctuates every other syllable with karate-chops.] Spy…on…my…friends…for…your…pansy…husband—I’ll show you.

[Arnold Schwarzenegger is seen in the background of the stage, shaking his head sadly.]

Schwarzenegger: I have been in this state for too long. I have totally fucked-up my life.

Chris Matthews: I never liked this place either. “Keep your enemies in front of you…” that’s all I can say to you, Arnold.

Schwarzenegger: Aren’t you some kind of a pinko, some pathetic liberal talking head?

Chris Matthews: Not to my friends. “My audience is much more center right, or centrist.” Besides, I keep telling people that I saw a doll of myself in Toronto—you can’t get more mainstream than that. No, no, it’s all talk, I can assure you.

“I tell my staff, we’re riding a tour bus around, and we’re going to stop and look at some weird stuff - but we’re taking our viewers around safely. They’re just looking out the window at it. I’m trying to create a sense of comfort for my center audience.” You know, bullshit.

[Cue “Rocky Mountain Breakdown.”]

[Two rednecks come hither, sidling-up, both carrying incredibly old shotguns, one with a bandoleer and brandishing a sidearm in his hands.]

Chorus: Hee-haw! Two rednecks approach. They mean well, but have read just enough to be a problem to everyone.

Redneck #1: [To Schwarzenegger.] Hey…you ain’t from around these parts, are yeh?! Hehehehehehehaha-bleah-hahhahahahahah!!

Chris Matthews: As a matter of fact, I’m from Nicetown, Pennsylvania. Sounds better than “the man from Hope,” doesn’t it?

Schwarzenegger: …Nein, I am not from “around deese parts,” as you call it.

Redneck #2: Hey Zeke--we ain’t from around these parts neither!

[The rednecks both look at each other confused, then shrug, and leave the stage.]

Schwarzenegger: Where can a guy get a goot trink around ‘dis fucking town, because I need one. Once, there was a time when …"I was always dreaming about very powerful people - dictators and things like that. I was just always impressed by people who could be remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like Jesus, be for thousands of years remembered." Now this can never be for me, it is ovah, and I haff been made a girlie-man by the state of Cal-i-forn-ia. “Now I understand why you humans cry.”

[He lowers his head, sadly, poignantly, in a way that would make director James Cameron gush. The Hollywood sign rises in the background of the minimalist set that would make both Derek Jarman and Busbee Berkley proud. Birds are chirping, wildfires erupt to the right in the forced perspective “distance,” sirens are blaring, and the sounds of faraway gunplay and yelling are heard.]

Chris Matthews: “Greenfield Morning I Pushed an Empty Baby Carriage All Over the City”. It was one of those days, I guess.

[Meanwhile, Arianna and Newt have been paid a visit by Rahm Emanuel, the Dutch Schultz of American politics.]

Arianna: Oh! What a powerful man! Wow. [Emanuel looks pleased; he’s preening.]

Rahm Emanuel: “When people told me 'It's great to be here', they meant at the house, not with me.” …”As individuals, we will be judged in our lives by the totality of our actions. Not one thing will stand out. And I think that's how we get judged by our colleagues and that's how we get judged by the good lord.” …”I sometimes joke, [Arianna], [but] even paranoid people have enemies.

Newt: I think you’re looking at one right now…

Chorus/Arianna/Rahm Emanuel: Shut the fuck up!

End

Coming soon...

J-7--Satire is a great balm for troubled times. If you're worried that some of my most prominent targets for a send-up are on the Left, just wait, Republican and prominent members of the Right are going to get theirs--and soon.

Next up: No, not "Buckaroo Banzai vs. the World Crime League," but a mini-play on Arianna Huffington, at this space. Well, not this exact space, but this site. Really. I mean it. This site, but not this space, not this post. Expect a bourgeois hoot for all.

I Rest My Case: The Keystone Cops from Navy Return...from Florida

SITE METER --Sailors on shore leave, looking for some ass...perhaps it was more convenient to have brother procure some hookers for the military and congressional brass so as to secure those coveted military and intelligence contracts? I know, just other people's money, just everyone else's hard earned dollars being misappropriated.

It becomes a habit, I know. Meanwhile--back at the ranch--the editors of various "progressive" websites, the mainstream press, and other sundry media outlets obsess over the newest missing little girl, the pedophiles who chase them, and Lindsay Lohan's time in rehab.

If it all wasn't hurting the lives of tens-of-thousands, it would be pretty funny. Note the time of when the search took place--someone was an early-riser. A few hours later, they came back and looked at an entry on a visit by SAIC, that contractor who also does work for the U.S. Navy and our intelligence community. What will history record about all of this?

One thing is certain, and that's that it will record that the mainstream press and numerous other "authorities" betrayed the American people by not telling them what they needed so badly to know...until it was too late? History is a harsh judge, and this site is a modest chronicler of that negligence and betrayal. Frankly, it's better to be forgotten, but you're the people who will have to explain your behavior to your children and their children.

With some luck, you'll also have to explain yourselves to independent prosecutors. Remember that these people need co-conspirators, even indirect ones like you and me, through inaction and apathy. What's interesting in all of this is that in order not to cover the real stories, we get tales that are almost as lurid. There's a strange sexual obsession within all of them. The dog (ownership & advertisers) wags the tail.

Consider the lilies, and consider others. Consider that all this complaining and anguish over the GOP and Bush is just what they want--our apathy and demoralization. Funny how that's the majority of what a lot of so-called "progressive" blogs and sites have to offer. They should be taking the approach of belittlement since it works.

Say it along with me Mr. David Corn, Arianna Huffington, and Larisa Alexandrovna (and the rest of the corporate-owned Western media): Ret. U.S. Army Colonel Ronald Roughead is a highly significant phone number in the records of Pamela Martin & Associates, and he fits every standard for further investigation.

Now go do your jobs and be able to look at yourselves in the mirror every morning without having to bullshit yourselves. Until you start talking and informing the American public of its actual history, I wish you all luck. With well over a hundred hits from government (including the Sergeant-at-arms of the Senate), and a lot of the media, I'd say this site is effective.

Domain Name		navy.mil ? (Military)
IP Address		138.162.0.# (NCTC)
ISP		NCTC
Location		Continent : North America Country : United States (Facts) State : Florida City : Pensacola Lat/Long : 30.3511, -87.3028 (Map)
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Steve Canyon, learned ("that'll learn ya'!") intellectual

Ed.--Hey kids! This really rational and intelligent fella sent me this well-reasoned piece, and I thought you'd all love a good larf. Steve's wrong, what I said in the ancient piece he read was that PACs/GOP/the Defense Dept. have had people roving the internet responding to various-points they have a problem with.

We know for a fact that the Bush administration was (is?) using military personnel to do this regarding opinions surrounding the war, and not just countering the news sites. We know for a fact that the Pentagon had information units trawling the internet countering stories. They could easily have been responding to comments on blogs, particularly the large-ones like Huffington Post or Rawstory.

Go to the comments sections of just about any "progressive" blog or site, and you'll find the "trolls" there. Where do they come from? Surely, most of them are just really pathetic-morons with nothing to say, and too much time on their hands. Do I think political operatives and right-wing activists have been "payed" (Steve's misspelling in another harassing e-mail he sent me) to try to counter progressive opinions and sites throughout the internet?

Consider this: Cindy Sheehan was confronted by this ilk at Arlington cemetery--sometime last year--and one of them told her "I make $60-per-hour to do this." OK, fine, it could be bullshit, but it could be real. Why do I think I know "Steve"? He's been trying to bait me into a "debate" for a few-weeks, maybe months and I haven't been biting.

Perhaps "Steve" is frustrated since his president's in so much trouble, and the GOP's poised to implode (not Alan Keyes)? I think he just needs a hug, so give him one, and be nice: insanenowchuck@yahoo.com In case you didn't notice, almost all of Steve's comments ARE CAPITALIZED TO ASSERT HIS (lack of) MANHOOD. Since I consider his e-mails harrassment, I'm publishing his address here.

Prolix...

Dear Fuckwit.

I found your website where you post the names of the "Trolls." I want to tell you how fucking stupid you are. How can I count the ways? Let me try fuckstick:You preamble to you[r] shitstain website states:["]How-many of these people are conservative PAC-operatives? How-many of them are working-for the GOP and the Bush administration? They have all the same talking-points, sometimes before the Bush administration voices-them. This is very suspicious. If you see them on other liberal' blogs, report them to the webmaster.["]

POINT BY POINT DISECTION [SIC] OF WHY YOU ARE STUPID AND LIKELY PRONE TO SUCKING BAGS OF DICKS: How-many of these people are conservative PAC-operatives? WHY THE FUCK WOULD A CONSERVATIVE PAC PAY SOMEONE LIKE ME TO SPEW VILE RIGHT WING PARTISAN RHETORIC ON LIBERAL WEBSITES WHEN DOING SO WOULD HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT ON CHANGING THE LIBERAL VIEWS OF ASSHATS SUCH AS YOURSELF WHO GO ON BLOGS TO POST LEFT LEANING PARTISAN RHETORIC. DOING SO WOULD SERVE NO PURPOSE OTHER THAN TO WASTE MONEY. THINK ABOUT IT SHIT STAIN. PRETTY FUCKING SIMPLE LOGIC. [Ed.-actually, no. You know why--to disrupt the dialogues already going-on at my site and others. Waste money? One word: Iraq]

How-many of them are working-for the GOP and the Bush administration? FIRST, REREAD MY CRITICISM OF YOUR FIRST POINT AS MUCH OF IT APPLIES DIMWIT. DO YOU THINK THE BUSH ADMIN IS GOING TO PAY SOME RIGHT WING HACK TO BLOG ON DAILYKOS? YOU ARE ONE SIMPLE SON OF A CUNT. AND IF THE GOP OR BUSH ADMIN DID PAY PEOPLE TO BE OPERATIVES AND POST ON LIBERAL WEBSITES, DO YOU THINK SAID OPERATIVES WOULD USE SCREENNAMES LIKE scalitofan, cheneyhastheweathermachine, and hillaryscock? YOU ARE SO FUCKING STUPID FOR THINKING SUCH THINGS. STOP SMOKING DOPE AND SUCKING COCK. [Ed.-this one's my favorite!] They have all the same talking-points, sometimes before the Bush administration voices-them. This is very suspicious. EVER NOTICE HOW THE DEMOCRAT, LEFTY, PINKO, COMMIE HACKS ALL SAY THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER? THE RIGHT HAS ITS TALKING POINTS AND SO DOES THE LEFT. YOU ARE SO FUCKING DUMB ITS RIDICULOUS. FURTHERMORE, WHY WOULD THE ADMINISTRATION OR THE GOP LEAK TALKING POINTS TO FUCKTARDS LIKE ME WHO WOULD SPEW THEM IN A VILE AND HARASSING MANNER ON SOME DIPSHIT LIBERAL BLOG. [Ed.-Hmm? Please tell us] IT WOULD LESSEN THE USEFULLNESS [SIC]OF SAID TALKING POINT. [Ed.-Which you're displaying well right now] RIGHT FUCKWIT? If you see them on other liberal' blogs, report them to the webmaster. THIS I DON'T UNDERSTAND AT ALL. YOU WANT TO LOCK YOURSELF IN A ROOM WHERE YOU HEAR NOTHING BUT YOUR OWN POINT OF VIEW REPEATED BACK TO YOU? [Ed.-Classic projection at work here...]PUSSY. DEBATE YOU LITTLE FAGGOT. DON'T FEAR FREE SPEECH OR DEBATE. IT'S WHAT AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT YOU DUMB CUNT. THE ONLY THING FUN ABOUT BLOGGING IS BANTER AND REPARTEE. EVEN IF ITS VILE AND OFFENSIVE. And finally, you are most stupid for having read all the way down to the sentence when I have call you a fuckwit, fuckstick, asshat, dimwit, a simple son of a bitch, shitstain [SIC], cunt, pussy, faggot and one prone to sucking on bags of dicks. grow some balls. AND HAVE A NICE DAY. DIMWIT.

"Steve's" what...13? I wonder why people tend to ignore him and his kind. Funny, I didn't detect any thesis in the mess he sent me. And I thought I was hearing the right's viewpoint 24/7, the majority of my adult life. Day-after-day--they they blare their vomit at the American public through their own news channels. They virtually own all of the national media (squeezing-out all the other viewpoints), and control most of our economy and political process. Yet, they just cannot seem to accomplish very much...or to lead at all.

"Steve" should start his own blog. Nobody's stopping him, but who allows some social retard to come into their home uninvited to bloviate on a bunch of twaddle? Steve, the inarticulate bozo. The interesting thing is that someone I used to work with used all of these expletives...

The end of the Pentagon's Iraq war disinfo program!http://rawstory.com/news/2007/Pentagon_kills_Rumsfeld_propaganda_unit_0713.html

COME ON HUFFINGTON POST: GOOGLE DONATES PALTRY-SUMS TO GOP CANDIDATES

THE BLOGOSPHERE--Yesterday, Huffingtonpost.com did a minor-piece in their 'Eat the Press' section that Google has donated $1,000 to these GOP Candidates: 'Heather Wilson of New Mexico, Deborah Pryce of Ohio, and James Sensenbrenner, head of the House Judiciary Committee...At least two of the candidates, Wilson and Sensenbrenner, have porfolios that implicate the use and regulation of the Internet. ' Yes? $1,000 from a corporation that is worth $150 Billion? They're flexing their muscle--well, barely, the amounts are symbolic at best. Yes, they're also hiring former GOP lobbyists.

Oh, and by-the-way states the fluff-piece, they gave $1,000 to two Democrats. Nevermind that yahoo has turned-in Chinese-dissidents, and nevermind that Google refused to turn-over the search-lists of users to the Bush administration without-a-warrant--Google is BIG, therefore EVIL. What crap. What a non-story that originated as tiny San Jose Mercury article. Then, Huffington Post tacks-on a misleading byline, and voila! Crap. Arianna shows some very poor-judgement sometimes, but we on the outside are here to balance her. I want to like her and her co-bloggers (Harry Shearer will never let me down), but they're making it difficult sometimes. It's about trust, Arianna.

The Original irritant:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eat-the-press/2006/10/21/googles-new-pac-skews-re_e_32222.html