Monday, September 15, 2008

An open letter to dumb women who are going to vote for Sarah Palin because she's a dumb woman too


The Campaign Trail of Tears
--Ladies, nobody wants to date a fascist--well, except you. Face the fact that you're all mental midgets and female reactionaries. Your great-great grandmothers voted for Warren G. Harding because he was vaguely rugged and handsome to them, he was a former football player, and he was as stupid as they were.You have become banal reincarnations of these women, and the dumbos who thought Dan Quayle was "cute" (they thought Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump was too though, which is telling).

The reality is, you just have a perverse streak with a dash of dumb, that weird little thing that you gals sometimes engage in when you're bored: "Something might happen--no wait, I'll make something happen. Besides, I'm hungry for a problem. Hmmmm. Why not help men ruin the world some more and vote for this woman because she's a woman for no logical reason?"

But why shouldn't there be women leading softer, gentler lynch mobs, endless wars, insane interventionism, and an inevitable economic collapse? Why, indeed, should men be the only ones to destroy brown people in other countries? Look, you even let a Black woman do it first in the State Department, killing thousands from a desk no less, and women were not even allowed to oversee sexual torture at Abu-Ghraib prison, it's not right, it's wrong. Glass ceiling that. And why can't a woman endanger the world as President John F. Kennedy did, bring us the Cuban Missile Crisis? Again, unfair.

Why shouldn't a Republican woman do the same for our contemporary relations with Russia when we came so close with North Korea under Bush/Cheney? Let's be honest that it's never been done before, therefore it should be done, if for no other reason at all. Nevermind that, we're just itching to end that goddamned anxiety that we created in our culture from dropping "the atomic bomb" on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. You see, since that time, we know that we've had it coming and that it was just an arbitrary action to keep the Soviets out of Japan...uh, OK, and for power, money, cheap skilled labor, and a lot of permanent military bases there.

And Mrs. Palin is pro-life alright: she decided to have sex and conceive after she was 42, raising her chances of giving-birth to a child with down's syndrome almost exponentially. No, that wasn't selfish at all, not in any way whatsoever when you already have three kids.

And she doesn't talk like a taxi driver from Minnesota, or a prostitute from Anchorage, not at all, those are just nasty rumors. Her voice is so eloquent the Bard would be jealous, the pansy, and I like so believe in dragons, unicorns, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus, I think. And clearly, sex education for dummies should be the Palin campaign primer. Stupid people can be national politicians, just look at the last eight years. And yeah.


yours-in-Christ, Matt Janovic