Sunday, July 29, 2007

The Madness Continues: Another Bearded Intruders Horoscope!

Bearded Intruders Horoscope July 29, 2007

Here we go with our second weekly Horoscope. This week, my spirit guides Osiris and El Chupacabra helped me on my ethereal quest to decipher the stars. Please do not try to escape your fate. It will only make things worse.


Aries (March 21-April 19): Things you used to be worried about appear to be ridiculous. Like when your son-in-law lost his job, and your daughter's family moved in? You THOUGHT it was going to be bad news. But that man has dutifully weighed down the couch, and kept your television warm for the last eight months. No need to change course now.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You like to build things that will last for several generations. People might laugh at first, but when your gritty determination to build that mud mound temple sinks in, their attitudes will change. Choose a spot with good sun exposure. Virgo and Aquarius people make good lackeys. [Ed.-You know, some of my ancestors may have been mound building Native Americans! Still a month-too-late!]

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Self-discipline is required to master a complex subject. Keep practicing, even when you start busting blood vessels. That's nature's way of telling you, "Good job!" Thursday is good for pranks.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Your mind is like a steel trap. Inventions and innovations spring forth from you with such ferocity, it's amazing that absolutely no one but yourself ever pays any attention. But you shouldn't care if people say your creation is going to explode with you and leave a crater 10 yards in diameter. Dust off that million-dollar idea and make it happen. [Ed.-President Bush is apparently both a Taurus & a Cancer...there's a presidency on the cancer...]

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You are probably going to be conned for a large amount of cash this week, especially by an Aries. There will be arguments. Say you're sorry. You really deserve it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): There's no substance to one of your oldest fears. Just because a dog is "foaming at the mouth," doesn't mean it doesn't want to be your friend. This week, you'll have a chance to make friends with "man's best friend." Don't let the growling, barking, and crazy eyes put you off, either. [Ed.-I'd make a Vicks joke, but it's too serious a subject.]

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Without realizing it, you've grown to become the laughing-stock of the entire company. And, since the company you work for only hires losers and morons like yourself, that means you are a special kind of bumble-fuck. You will spill an entire plate of food on Wednesday. Ha-ha.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It's unbelievable how much you inspire everyone around you. Your smile keeps an elevated mood focused in a radius around your person. Your face is likely to heal the sick, just by gazing upon it. To prove it's not a dream, keep pictures of your impressive features. You totally rock. [Ed.-And her name is Monica Belucci...]

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Last week, you had trouble with "irregularity." Around Saturday night you finally got a little relief. It's been touch and go since then. But with all that cabbage you consumed on Sunday, you're about to come out with another good one. Light a match. [Ed.-Jesus, I'm beginning to feel really sorry for Fred Thompson...and John McCain. Goddamned Hanoi Hilton (not Paris)]


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): It seems like forever since you have been intimate with anyone, and with good reason. If you take a good look in the mirror, you'll no doubt see what a disgusting ogre you have allowed yourself to become. Do you really want to get naked in front of another living creature? You may have more hidden away than you realize. How long has it been since you had those things clipped? [Ed.-There's no need of speaking-ill of the late Richard M. Nixon and Howard Hughes.]

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Nice work, asshole. Those pictures you were supposed to take care of are winding up in the wrong hands. A wise man once said, "Never take pictures, never write anything down." But not you. You're going to have a lot of explaining to do. Get your stories straight now, and dump the tools in the trash can at the burger place across from the mall. [Ed.-Erm.]

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Blast through the glass ceiling that used to limit your progress. They don't have the right to keep you back, just because you breathe rather loudly, and you repeatedly voice your childish opinions. It's up to you to MAKE them listen, even if it means taking drastic measures. You know what you have to do. You've been practicing and saving up energy. Nothing can stop you. Don't wear pants. [Ed.-This seems like advice Mark Foley gave to some kids once...]

This week's Birthdays: Around the middle of the week, you are going to be the victim of mistaken-identity. You'll be blamed for something somebody else did. And no matter what you say, no one will believe you. If you choose the right snack, you will find redemption. The wrong choice will end in tragic circumstances. Enjoy. [Ed.Care for some Turkish delight?]