An open letter to dumb women who are going to vote for Sarah Palin because she's a dumb woman too

The Campaign Trail of Tears--Ladies, nobody wants to date a fascist--well, except you. Face the fact that you're all mental midgets and female reactionaries. Your great-great grandmothers voted for Warren G. Harding because he was vaguely rugged and handsome to them, he was a former football player, and he was as stupid as they were.You have become banal reincarnations of these women, and the dumbos who thought Dan Quayle was "cute" (they thought Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump was too though, which is telling).

The reality is, you just have a perverse streak with a dash of dumb, that weird little thing that you gals sometimes engage in when you're bored: "Something might happen--no wait, I'll make something happen. Besides, I'm hungry for a problem. Hmmmm. Why not help men ruin the world some more and vote for this woman because she's a woman for no logical reason?"

But why shouldn't there be women leading softer, gentler lynch mobs, endless wars, insane interventionism, and an inevitable economic collapse? Why, indeed, should men be the only ones to destroy brown people in other countries? Look, you even let a Black woman do it first in the State Department, killing thousands from a desk no less, and women were not even allowed to oversee sexual torture at Abu-Ghraib prison, it's not right, it's wrong. Glass ceiling that. And why can't a woman endanger the world as President John F. Kennedy did, bring us the Cuban Missile Crisis? Again, unfair.

Why shouldn't a Republican woman do the same for our contemporary relations with Russia when we came so close with North Korea under Bush/Cheney? Let's be honest that it's never been done before, therefore it should be done, if for no other reason at all. Nevermind that, we're just itching to end that goddamned anxiety that we created in our culture from dropping "the atomic bomb" on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. You see, since that time, we know that we've had it coming and that it was just an arbitrary action to keep the Soviets out of Japan...uh, OK, and for power, money, cheap skilled labor, and a lot of permanent military bases there.

And Mrs. Palin is pro-life alright: she decided to have sex and conceive after she was 42, raising her chances of giving-birth to a child with down's syndrome almost exponentially. No, that wasn't selfish at all, not in any way whatsoever when you already have three kids.

And she doesn't talk like a taxi driver from Minnesota, or a prostitute from Anchorage, not at all, those are just nasty rumors. Her voice is so eloquent the Bard would be jealous, the pansy, and I like so believe in dragons, unicorns, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus, I think. And clearly, sex education for dummies should be the Palin campaign primer. Stupid people can be national politicians, just look at the last eight years. And yeah.

yours-in-Christ, Matt Janovic

AP: "Opening of ABBA museum delayed"

Stockholm Syndrome, Sweden--In the nation that gave the world one of the earliest examples of a social safety-net, socialized medicine, and women the right to vote, we have...ABBA.™

Today, we're hearing that the opening of the ABBA museum™ in the capital city is being delayed. ABBA™--a pop group with an extremely irritating name and sound--are loved by...well, millions of simple nimrods worldwide. Gay men who have no taste love them for reasons of trite camp. Dumb women love them because--why do you think?! Why do most chick flicks suck? Nooooooo claaaassssss.

These dames, they're stupid, Jesus Christ you know it, and these goobers and mooks are going to vote for that cheerleading Sarah Palin wacko like they did for Warren G. Harding in 1920 for no other reason than "because." John McCain will become infested with tumors, and she's going to be the first unqualified woman president who takes us all over the cliff. Anyone who would want a former glamor queen or a cheerleader to be president is batshit crazy.

Let's face it: Women have a way of doing incredibly stupid shit that's unique to their gender. Men aren't the only predictable and superficial ones out there, and to think morons are isolated to one gender (or party) is utterly ridiculous and absurd.

You know, in the 1970s, industrial pioneers Throbbing Gristle had a "thing" for these Swedish pop whatchamacallits, and it was done out of an extreme irony. Some of it, I assume, was simply to annoy punk rockers which is always good for an easy larf when you're bored. You have to remember that ABBA™ was created by a Swedish millionaire--they weren't a real "band" or "group," but a fiction-of-sorts. Kind of like George W. Bush or any presidential candidate, they were just puppets with a script singing to a playback.

But Throbbing Gristle had a good point: this kind of pop music is so vacant, so hollow, so insincere, that bands like TG, NON, Coil, SPK, Cabaret Voltaire, etc., could never compete with the subversive nihilism behind such an obvious expression of the spiritual abyss of this era. No more fucking ABBA™ indeed. 370 million (they bought multiple-copies) ABBA™ fans can be wrong, so very wrong every single time. Go read Oscar Wilde, some Pasolini, Gore Vidal and peruse the autobiography of Quentin Crisp. You'll actually get something out that.

"Opening of ABBA museum delayed," AP, 09.11.2008: http://enews.earthlink.net/article/ent?guid=20080911/48c897c0_3ca6_1552620080911-1516566394

Postscript: I've been informed that numerous porn production houses are searching desperately for Sarah Palin look-alikes. The Gods must be qwazy...

Postscript to the postcript: The Food Channel's delightfully cynical Anthony Bourdain had an episode in Sweden where he and a group of Viking-bikers threw battle-axes at an ABBA cd. "Mama mia that, you son-of-a-bitch! yelled Bourdain to the applause of the "Vikers." Goddamn if I don't love that guy. Ramones forever (just no copies, punk is over).