The Red Bat Phone to God

God's Area Code--How long ago was it since the president said he spoke with God? Where does the Red Bat phone (TM) fit into the Christian cosmology? How stupid is the stupidest American, and how many times did they vote for George W. Bush and the GOP? The interesting thing about the contention "I talked to God," is that it's completely bat-shit crazy. Now I get the connection to Christian cosmology. Yes, tens-of-thousands of human beings were tortured and murdered during the Inquisition so that priests could fondle their congregation's children while Bishops look the other way. While Moveon.org has their 100th cocktail party while Iraqi children burn in the streets of their cities, and while the president has his 659,359th drink while the current Rome burns, we'll be here. Who's "we"? The people who think anyone who claims to have spoken with God (YHWH, the evil desert god once known as "Moloch") is completely out of their fucking minds. If Jesus had known where things were heading after his death...well, he did figure-it-out: "Father, why have you forsaken me?" Exactly.

Some Surprises in-store for orthodox Christians:

1.) The punchline after your death will be eternal rest like everyone else.
2.) The final realization that if there is a God, it doesn't care about your bank account.
3.) That they're not God either.
4.) That every penny they gave was wasted.
5.) That because they are so profoundly egotistical they cannot accept the inevitability of death.
6.) The fact that Jesus was a man, that he died, and that he's not coming back anytime soon.
7.) That Jesus is now carbonized-dust, somewhere in Palestine.
8.) That nearly all of them are so stupid they don't understand metaphor and have misinterpreted the New Testament for almost 2,000 years.
9.) That they really don't believe in the New Testament, are descended from pagans, and are still essentially pagan barbarians who merely possess high-technology.
10.) That the real book they worship by is the Old Testament.
11.) That they are boorish and bothersome.
12.) That--as they've always suspected--absolutely nobody in their right mind would want to spend eternity with them, regardless of the reward.
13.) That Jesus would feel the same about most all of this and insult them (as he did the disciples) just as I'm doing right now.