In Russia, accent speak for you: a panoply of picklesmells

Ya'lls:

How to shut up a conspiracy nut momentarily: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burden_of_proof#Science_and_other_uses

Dennis Hopper's shithoard is still up for sale:  http://gawker.com/5986447/there-are-two-days-and-20-hours-left-in-the-dennis-hopper-estate-sale?utm_campaign=socialflow_gawker_twitter&utm_source=gawker_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow

The best evidence that Bobby Flay isn't seen in the Patterson-Gimlin film of nineteen-and-eleventy-twelvty: http://www.bigfootencounters.com/files/mk_davis_pgf.gif

The New Devil's Dictionary: Hoax

Hoax, n--A business opportunity disguised as a lie. A wise investment for one person that quickly goes south is the livelihood of another. Life imitating art imitating life imitating art. Performance art for the bored. Entertainment for the creative that reminds the victims that the majority of humor is at the expense of someone else.

What public policy usually is. The underlying reality of temporal existence. Entire civilizations and their cultures have been built upon this firm bedrock (See "Delusion").

Examples include: The Shroud of Turin; the Virgin of Guadalupe; transparency in government and campaign promises generally; any Bigfoot revelation, truth in advertising; any given economic system at any given era in human history; the concept of the nation state; the American work ethic; the curious notion that the "other" really means us harm; the American Dream; the notion that "wise men" are running things at any given point in human history; television's "In Search Of" program, and the notion that TV chef Bobby Flay isn't in the Patterson-Gimlin film, he is, trust me.

CNN: "Bigfoot Hype"

CNN--I'd ask them what's wrong with them at CNN, but we already know what. And we already know what's wrong with the 100+ media outlets that spent a few thousand to send their correspondents down to Georgia to talk to the goobers claiming they have a bigfoot carcass, and to cover these claims. Couldn't that have been done with an iPhone,™ or simply through a telephone call or an email?

But today, in one of the most degrading cases of CYA--and I ain't talking about the Catholic Youth Association--I've ever witnessed in television journalism, when CNN was commenting this afternoon on the silliness of the "hype" surrounding the story.

Never mind their massive contribution to it--it's hype. Well duh, and it's also obvious that the mainstream media massaged us into this illegal, worthless, and incredibly dangerous war in the Middle East. That war is about to expand if we're not careful, which means it's almost assured. Just more reasons to hate Ted Turner for creating CNN in the first place. Asshole. I personally contend that the hairy, apelike corpse is in fact pulled-pork, and delicious. But that's just me.

"Bigfoot Global LLC."

Atlanta, Georgia--When I was around 7-years-old, I saw one of these examples of pure hokum: it was an allegedly "bigfoot" frozen in a block of ice. Predictably, you could barely see any features of what was inside the block, and the owners of the artifact were refusing to let any real scientists near it.

The vendors had merchandise and the viewing fee was stiff. It was the 1970s. You would think that after all the debunkings over the last 30 years it would scare-off the gullible, but we're an ignorant culture, so it's go-time. Add to that the hopelessness of this era, and you have some craning-necks. Besides, isn't it looking like the 1970s again anyway? OK, without Hans Holzer and Leonard Nimoy and "In Search Of," but the cruddy History Channel covers that gap.

All we're seeing today are some photographs of what is either the carcass of an monkey, or a very cheesy ape suit. The orangey-haired creature looks an awful lot like an orangutan.

There's a reason: it's utter bullshit, though it could be a distant relation of late President Gerald Ford.

These bozos from Georgia regularly suck money from the gullible, taking them out on "bigfoot expeditions," and somehow have concocted this newest scam...except someone whom I now love hacked into their site this last week and stole some of the unconvincing photographic scans and published them wide over the internet. So, the bozos from Georgia (not the nation) had to hold their worthless press conference today, and astonishingly, Obama accuser Larry Sinclair was nowhere in sight.

CNN and other television news outlets (and all of the rest) have given this story about as much time and credence as the Russian incursion into the breakaway nation of Georgia. That should tell you how much credibility they have.

As far as I can tell, absolutely no major media outlet has commented on how obviously craven and exploitative this bigfoot venture is, but if you look at all of the information, "Bigfoot Global LLC." should have raised some alarms that this is nothing but a scam for money. The media's often difficult position is that they're the same kind of creature--a genus know for its lowliness and guile, as well as an overdeveloped lust for money and privilege.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Reserve aren't taking it seriously, which should also tell you something. "The most trusted name in news?" I've never trusted or respected CNN, and neither should anyone else for that matter. Our press is a shambles, but that's nothing new. You don't need a 24/7 news network, not at all. They need to all get a real job, whatever that is these days. Besides, there is no Easter Bunny on all stations of the Cross. Get a clue.

Bobby Flaying-of-the-flesh (fiction?)

TV--He is--after-all--THE heterosexual-chef. He'll tell you so. The TV chef...does anyone really use those recipes? Be honest. They look good, but then you have to actually make them.

This modern life makes my head hurt. Mystery still surrounds Flay's connection to the legendary 'Patterson-Gimlin film' of 1967. Does yeti and bigfoot taste gamey and dry? What would one use for gravy? Would it be cannibalism to eat another primate (nobody asked you, vegans)?

Where was Flay when the Patterson-Gimlin film taken? Can he give me the recipe to his fish tacos? Did his wife marry him for the cooking? And when is that El Chupacabra recipe coming--hungry Puerto Ricans and Mexicans want to know! And how on God's gray earth does one marinate Cthuloid-tentacles?

I want to know, and surely many readers do too. And those alien cadavers--they're everywhere, and need to be eaten. How does one prepare them: broasting, roasting, boiling? I mean, mutilated cattle...we know this one.