Monday, May 24, 2010

"Mr. Smiley" (product review)



PARENTAL WARNING: THIS REVIEW IS RIDDLED WITH SARCASM, SEND-UPS, BELITTLEMENT, AND SCORN FOR EVERYTHING. PROCEED WITH CAUTION...


With my first few tokes I wasn't expecting anything at all.

Not a buzz, certainly not a high, but I was surprised after around seven hits: this comes awfully close to being a lot like a marijuana buzz and high. Let's not get carried away, however. “Mr. Smiley” (which also goes by the monikers "K2" and "spice," among others) is one of those many enigmatic products littering our shelves and lives these days, and like most pharmaceuticals, it doesn't have a seal of approval from the now nearly defunct Food and Drug administration, created at the behest of the public and that communist, President Theodore Roosevelt, who, when he read an article citing slaughterhouse conditions uncovered by writer and muckraker Upton Sinclair (a socialist, say no more! The ignominy! The gall in caring about people and our nation, the temerity!) exclaimed over his breakfast on that fateful day in 1906 that, “I've been poisoned!” and indeed he had, but it was too late and a bad case of the trots was on his agenda for the evening.

Out of the kindness of his own Red heart, for his own Red heart's well-being, he ordered the creation of the communistic FDA. As we all know, life was never the same after that and an economic disaster ensued that reduced things to stone age conditions forever. A calamity of better health, nutrition, working conditions, and lower profits began to ruin America until very, very recently after all the Soviet Jews were run out of the federal bureaucracy on a rail, and replaced with nice people from the industries who merely want to feed us contaminated, ersatz foodstuffs and drugs at hyper-inflated prices. Truly, this has been part of our wonderful way of life...if you're one of the few within the saintly ranks of our Captains of Industry, men who have worked harder than all the sweatshop workers and illegal immigrant slaves combined!
Hype or reality?

Because Mr. Smiley is sold by different names and has evolved in different forms, most states have voted to ban the chemical compounds JWH-018 and JWH-073, synthetic compounds created by a Clemson University researcher to mimic the effects of cannabis on the brain.

According to published reports, the recipe to make those chemical compounds were eventually leaked to chemists in China, who began producing the compound and selling it as a marijuana substitute. By 2008, the synthetic marijuana began arriving on shelves in the United States, where it gained rapidly in popularity.

Because the compound is marketed as incense, it does not require Food and Drug Administration approval for sale and no long-term studies of its use have been completed.

"That's the thing, no one really knows how bad it is," Dieter said. "It may be much ado about nothing, but there's too much that we don't know about it."

It's also not known how popular synthetic marijuana truly is in South Bend.
(City not smiling about Mr. Smiley," South Bend Tribune, 05.24.10)

Cry bitter tears for these poor men, brothers and sisters, because it's truly the White man's burden for them to sip champagne on the French Riviera while everyone else toils for them and consumes their toxic products that make our nation what it is: a gastrointestinal nightmare where the water supply is less-and-less safe and about to become privatized along with the air we breathe. Progress, indeed, has its price. But what of the “D” in the FDA, a communistic anagram if ever there was one? Yes, that other naughty word, besides the aforementioned “Jew,” the Satanic-infused word, “drug.” Yes, the FDA is responsible for marijuana still being off the lists as medicinally useful as well as a powerful narcotic, hence its persistence as an effective tool in throwing niggers and spics in prison when times are hard (and whites who "won't get with the program"). Poisoned by the free market?

Yes, haven't we all been after a little over a century later with the wacky-yet-divinely inspired wave of whipped-up sentiment to deregulate almost everything and to head willy-nilly towards the Maoist altar to Ayn Rand and the magazine stand erected to Lenin. Both are not-so-secretly adored by the GOP, secretly by mainstream Democratic leaders. Yes, the cranks have had their generation of fun, but the party's over, and it's time to pay the waiter...but all they have are Euros. What of Mr. Smiley? No, this isn't your grandfather's corn silk or Jimson weed, which you should never, ever smoke if you want to retain your ability to breathe or reason (potentially answering some of the question as to why rural voters shit where they eat) ever again, and besides, crank is for cranks these days.

According to my own eyes, the product has been sold at convenience stores and gas stations in my own part of the Midwest, namely, Northern Indiana and parts of Michigan. How does this product smoke? Very smoothly, I must say, and with an aftertaste that's very similar if not exactly like some decent Mexican weed, the so-so kind they leave for the rest of us and put on a NAFTA-approved semi-trailer bound for desperate potheads who will smoke literally anything to keep their buzz on. Mr. Smiley is made up of (according to the label, so it must be true...) TWO ingredients: “Damiana leaf” and “Mullein leaf extract,” about which I know very little, like high fructose corn syrup, glutemates, and all the other horseshit that manufacturers put into our food supply for reasons that would only make sense to a Soviet bureaucrat. You'll forgive the last contradiction, but this is being written by a product of the American educational system, also patterned after the factory model, so bear with us on this.

First ingredient, Mullein leaf: This is often used as an herbal treatment for asthma! Is it safe? Yes it is, and it is sometimes known to cause a sense of drowsiness, like marijuana, and it's also an expectorant like that Weed of Satan. It's a mild sedative in some people, a common side-effect. It's sold by herbalist outlets in greater quantities than the less-than-an-ounce (one gram) little dispenser that Mr. Smiley comes in. In other words, it's significantly cheaper in larger quantities elsewhere. You can even buy it by-the-pound from Amazon.com.

Second ingredient, Damiana leaf: This is roughly the same deal. You can buy it off the Internet easily, and in quantity for a very low amount of money. Effects? In women, it's allegedly a “natural aphrodisiac,” meaning that it's bullshit and doesn't work at all in that area or most others claimed by those who sell it. Ask a botanist or a pharmacologist. You know: people who are evil communist scientists (the evil "Dr. Yakub" from the Nation of Islam's cosmology) or "fill-in-the-blank" since they have the temerity to be factually correct, trumping one's ego and personal narrative. Interestingly, Damiana lowers blood glucose levels like marijuana does when ingested or smoked, though it's more commonly ingested in tinctures and extracts. It might have psychoactive properties in some people. Sounds like snake oil bullshit, doesn't it?

So, how did “Mr. Smiley” become a “product”? Because some douche-nozzles sat around one day (as most asshole entrepreneurs have in the past in America, and the disease has been exported) trying to figure-out how they could get people to buy something they never wanted, needed, and could buy cheaper and assemble its constituents themselves, and then make a good profit. Take the money and run. There is no product code on the product. There is no address either. There is no Internet address. Yes, “Mr. Smiley” “works,” but you could save yourself a lot of time and money and simply buy its ingredients online for much cheaper, in larger quantities, and put these banal free market crackheads out of business along with the legitimate heat they're getting from the Police. But is it even safe?

Rumors--and that's all that they are so far--are saying that the substance is dangerous. How do they know? That said, I wouldn't advise anyone to buy or smoke it, and I only inhaled enough to see if there was indeed a buzz to be had. There is. Other rumors state that it's being packaged in China, though no evidence is forthcoming on that claim. One thing's certain: by pasting the story all over the Internet, TV, radio, and the like throughout Michiana, every kid in the region who would want to know about the fake drug will now, and they could very well end up finding it, online in one form or another. This has been facilitated by both the local political establishment, the Police, and what's left of the press. Thanks, assholes. Why not just let the kids smoke pot? We know it's not going to hurt them and that the FDA's stance on the substance is a purely political one. Do not taunt Mr. Smiley...

Grade: An “C-” for the fact that it works, and an “F” for them being typical hustler/grifter douche-nozzle fucks.





21 comments:

Anonymous said...

So I recently began smoking K2 and Mr Smiley in an effort to
Quit smoking marijuana in light of employment related drug tests.
First, they definitely have a different taste and possibly a different high (though I may be full of shit on this one).
I'm fairly certain K2 and spice are treated with some form of the JWH chemical but what about Smiley?
K2/Spice is a little easier to find information on (drug forums) while Smiley is elusive.
Has any form of authority bothered to test the stuff before demonizing it?
I know that other synthetic cannabanoids exists (I've heard the euro brands of spice are much stronger) but it concerns me that everyone just assumes its JWH.
Btw, a quick google of JWH and you can find distributors all over the US ready to sell it to you. The way I figure it is a chemist in America could just as easily produce some man made weed as a chemist in China. They just had to throw the chinese on there, couldn't help themselves.
Local police/politics/everything definitely fucked this one up.
Not only have they made K2 and Smiley household names but also, with the sudden propaganda against it creating speculation of it becoming illegal in Indiana,
Creating yet another anything goes black market for just a buzz. The gas station guy I bought it from suggested that I turn it around on the street implying it would soon be hard to find.

Life And Death said...

Great article! Aside from the article itself, I have to say, as a writer myself I'm always on the lookout for new and fun terms.I never hear "douche nozzle" before. It totally cracked me up.

Okay, back to the point...to sum it up I would have to say that the FDA is a joke. Their only mission is to make sure that the cash flow keeps going to the bureaucrats. They pretty much own this country whose people they couldn't care any less about. I could go on and on about this, but who has the time?

Anonymous said...

Ok, so i found websites that let you buy the ingredients for mr smiley.

My question is, what are the ratios for mixing these ingredients to get them to be like mr smiley? If i buy 1 lb of each do i just mix the two together and boom I have it or is there a secret mixture?

Matt Janovic said...

Would you like fries with that? No fuckin' idea...ever smoked actual pot? LMAO

Anonymous said...

it has damiana leaf, mulleina leaf, and some sort of the JWH compound, there are 5 of them total. I tried the JWH-018 and can vouch that it is not for the weak minded. i am a medical marijuana patient and the powder is way more potent than any hash ive found. be extremely careful if u happen to get the JWH compound!

Anonymous said...

Well I smoked this and had a crazy ass trip. I thought I was dying it was fuckin scary

DGWeasel said...

From my many personal experiances I can say that:

It tastes/smells nothing like marijuana.

While I do get a high, it is different than a marijuana high. Marijuana gives me a head and body high, were as Smiley gives just a head high.

Induces a stronger and more rapid drowsiness, but tags in an inability to sleep.

I'm for it, you know, untill my weed is legalized, then I'll just jump back to that.

Anonymous said...

I love smoking weed and shit but ive only smoked mr smiley twice the first time was fucking insane i got retarded high off like 3 hits of a blunt i saved the rest then i got home from work and smoked what was left i shit you not its like i was tripping acid i started hearing voices and started halloucinating people it was awesome but would rather love to smoke weed

john said...

well, i have done all kinds of different natural drugs. legal and illegal and from my research on the internet i have found that with all of these illegal drugs, there is even more that are legal. The only catch is that you are safer health wise to stick to the real deal illegal ones. for example, psylocybe shrooms are illegal but still relatively safe, but you can buy large qty of fly agaric mushrooms legally but are highly lethal, just like weed and mr.smiley. the fda refuses to report their findings on weed because it will justify legalizing it. the only reason these drugs are illegal is because in the early to mid 1900's they aligned the blacks and mexicans with their use. most white people in america are closed door racists still to this day. also if americans were pot heads the government wouldnt be able to convince us to go to war. our leaders dont want us to be enightened, peacful, philosophers, they want us to be ignorant racists so all's they have to do is say them towel heads attacked us and we dont ask the questions of why. If we were enlightened we would realize that wars dont work. the root of all of the worlds problems start with us as americans. legalize all of it.

ye_bo said...

Matt janovic, your my freaking hero man. I know the way you said a lot of things ppl probably wouldn't take you serious, but for real, there was a lot of truth in what u said, screw prez Roosevelt lol

Anonymous said...

well folks ive tryed the imfamous mrsmiley and i have to say its a great high but only lastes 30 to 40 minutes which is about the same as alot of the nasty mexican weed we all smoke however id much rather smoke good ole american green bud but i can say smiley is a good but expensive substitute when good weed is hard to come by i didnt see shit nor did i have trouble with sleep in fact i sleep better when smoking it i also would like to know if i can buy the damiana leaf and the mullein leaf and mix evenly and make smiley somone needs to try and let all us heads know cause i dont wanna be the lab rat id rather sombody else go first

Anonymous said...

I smoke mr smiley an i see nothing wrong with it the goverment bust u with pot an ruing your life an lable u put u in jail they dont no how much it can mess your life up pay money to the so called justice system that u dont have taxs payer have to pay to house people in jail plus pay for classes an shit more money for them someone needs to take a real look at how fucking sorry are political system is it make me very angry an nothing i can do about but take it or go to jail mr smiley do your thing an fuck the goverment they dont care about us poor people all they wont is take take from people by god it bad when u have to pay taxes on your dog

Anonymous said...

I would not recommend this to anyone. Unless you want a really bad trip, like going between a dream and reality. I also blacked out every so often, lasted a couple of hours.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Smiley, teenagers are buying this up at video stores, and tanning bed places. Teenagers are sucidal and out of their minds. Flying high and actually trying to fly and talk of death of dying. Not a pretty sight and there are no antidote. Only takes a second to die behind a wheel while smoking this weed. Lives are ruined and innocent people dying.

Anonymous said...

DO NOT FUCKIN DO THIS, I ALMOST DIED.
I seriously took two hits, couldnt stop laughing, then started feeling like I couldnt breathe. Next thing I know my boyfriend and his friend are calling 911.
Seriously dont risk it.
GO ILLEGAL OR DIE.

Anonymous said...

This is some crazy ass shit. My friend bought some from the local smoke shop and we smoked it at his bon fire. Deff. one of the worst things to do...

Anonymous said...

This is no joke.. I dont suggest anyone tries this. I took one puff and I was dying. I was hearing voices aand my heart was going 1000 miles and my brain was going to explode I feared for my life. I wanted to die finish my life. This is dangerous im glad I had people who took care of me I think I would have killed myself. Not worth it...

Anonymous said...

I have had smiley, nothing like Mary Jane. It's more as if you inhaled shrooms. I have found that it does interfere with sleep, but also will make you pass out with one to many.

Anonymous said...

My son also felt like he was DYING from this SHIT !! after ONE INHALE..Screw these people selling this GARBAGE !!!! EMERGENCY Room visit by way of calling 911 for Ambulance !!

Anonymous said...

Try to blam them for not watchimg your kids unresposible WATCH YOUR KIDS

Matt Janovic said...

I think it's very important to BLAM! your kids for being unresposaleable. ;0)